Wednesday, December 30, 2009

2010... sounds like a Sci-Fi movie

Happy New Years Eve eve. In honor of yet another year gone and a shiny new one about to begin here are my lists (besides for the normal happy healthy family and friends, peace on earth, good will towards men stuff...)

Best Ever 2009
- Zombies sudden spurt of popularity to counter Twilight craziness.
- White Rabbits not technically introduced in 2009 but this is the first year I have heard of them and they are awesome.
- Seeing Matt Nathanson twice in concert with in two weeks.
- Zombie Matt Nathanson- a remote control zombie that I have named after my musical obsession what can be better than that?!?!
- The "Your Mom Likes Cake" birthday cake. Epic win Kim.
- Twitter- I was so resistant to trying this Twitter thing. But I gave in for John Cusack and re-affirmed my love of Kevin Smith, and now I stay for Matt Nathanson.
- George Bailey (the fish)So cute, so feisty, so full of fishy attitude.
- Chipolte and Starbucks being within walking distance of my office
- Captain Tool's reign being short lived

2010 Wishes
- Whole Foods comes to Columbia
- Books! Mine, others, just books.
- "Inception" is as good as I believe it will be
- L.T. stops saying "good deal"
- MU goes to a good bowl game
- Vacation
- Become independently wealthy

Sunday, December 20, 2009

What I have learned from Romantic Comedies

Recently I have started following this blog/twitter person. His name is SingleSteve. The guy’s endless pursuit of love and a relationship is pretty funny (purposely so, I am not laughing at him out of meanness). He often tweets RFMNGF (requirements for my next girl friend), they are cute, sometimes funny little things he is looking for in a women. I have briefly considered starting to do RFMNBF, but then I remembered something that changed my mind.
If romantic comedies are worth a hill of beans then we have all learned at least one invaluable lesson. That lesson is whatever qualities are placed on said list will hold you back from many… many relationships then one magical day you will meet someone who embodies all that you are looking for. This person will be exactly what you have always thought you wanted, but you will be bored. The annoying womanizer, jerk, fill in the blank that has none of the traits on your list that works with you, lives in your building, goes to the same Laundromat, etc. will suddenly realize he is about to lose you and reveal his heart of gold.
So I can see no other solution than to not make a list unless you wish to end up with someone who has nothing in common with you and who annoys you more often than not. Don’t make it that easy for the fates to toy with you by listing out what you are looking for; find it, hold on to it and don’t let the universe take it away.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

All Fired Up

Today I have been highly entertained by a discussion/argument between two strangers on Twitter. On one side you have the ever witty, funny, and often graphic Kevin Smith. On the other side is a bat shit crazy chick named Megan Phelps. Basically this girl has been spouting off all types of close minded bigotness and somehow Kevin Smith was brought into all of this (though I am unclear how). They have argued back and forth all day which has been both disturbing and hilarious at times.

However, when I started thinking about the real issues behind the argument on my way home from work today I have to wonder, how different would the world be if people were a little less into their religions? Throughout the course of the world how many people have died over their religious convictions? Better yet how many people have killed another person because they didn't agree with their religious conviction? I have to ask, is it all worth it?

Perhaps, if people were just a bit less intense in their beliefs they would be able to see that there is always another point of view. Which religions or beliefs are correct is impossible to determine, so why can't people believe whatever it is that they believe and let others do the same? Why must there be a constant strive to make everyone else share your beliefs? Basically, I think people need to stop shoving their religion down everyone else's throat, the world would be a better, happier, more peaceful place.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

One Down Two to Go

I am sure I have mentioned this... on many occasions, holidays aren't my thing. I don't love them the way other people do. Thanksgiving is ok, so is Christmas and New Years...well is New Years ever all it is cracked up to be.

My position on these holidays is not easily explained. Their basic elements family, presents, drinking, I am all for these things. The problem I have with them is that it is forced. I mean if my family arbitrarily decided to all get together for a dinner and to play games that is awesome if they also decided to bring me presents even better, but when it is dictated to me that I HAVE to do this the fun is sort of taken out of it.

Halloween is awesome. There are no expectations from anyone. You can dress up but you don't have to. You can go out but you can also stay in. You can give out candy or you can turn off your porch light. Basically it is a day most people are in a good mood, you get to dress up and people GIVE you candy. How freaking awesome is that.

Thanksgiving you get family arguments, too much food, piles of dishes, and knowledge of many annoying shopping days still to come. Christmas is much the same only on top of that you are loaded down with gifts only half of which you want and the other half will have to be returned in excruciatingly long lines. Also you know that soon you will have to spend an entire day taking down decorations which is a lot less fun than putting them up.

Wow this turned took a direction I didn't expect when I started it, but oh well. I am actually more excited this Christmas season than normal, Christmas music actually hasn't made me want to rip off my ears.

Friday, October 30, 2009

A Halloween Story

It was dusk on All Hallows Eve the cool wind rustled the changing leaves catching a few and sending them floating through the air. The smell of decaying leaves, pumpkins, and winter mixed leaving the undeniable smell of fall. Walking across the parking lot Timothy could hear the melodious chimes of bells off in the distance. The setting lent to the ominous feel of the empty lot as Timothy trudged towards the parking garage carrying a pumpkin and a bag of Halloween treats.

At first Timothy did not notice that he was indeed alone on his frequently traveled path. He had lost track of time at the office. He hadn't meant to stay quite so long. It wasn't until he heard a sharp snap behind him that he took notice that today did not feel like every other day. Timothy glanced behind him to see who was coming but there was no one there. Timothy shifted the increasingly heavy pumpkin in his arms and quickened his pace to match that of his quickening heart.

The sound of Timothy's quick steps echoed in his ears. He thought he heard a rustle off to his left, but saw nothing. He heard a fluttering noise to his right but again couldn't find the source. 'It must be the wind' he thought to himself as the wind was starting to pick up as if a storm was blowing in. Timothy forced a chuckle that did nothing to help calm his nerves. The pumpkin was so heavy in his arms he could feel his muscles begin to ache.

"It's too late" Timothy thought he heard whispered in his ear, but he couldn't be sure for the damn wind. He frantically looked behind him still seeing nothing. Timothy tried to speed up more, his arms aching from the weight of the pumpkin and his hands cold as ice from the wind. The wind was blowing so hard as if it was trying to keep him from the garage. Timothy leaned into it and ran with all of his might towards the garage.

Once he broke the threshold of the garage his momentum carried him stumbling into the wall smashing his pumpkin. Timothy cursed about the ruined pumpkin while stealing a glance outside where the wind appeared to have died down. Timothy let out the breath he had been holding in fear. He started walking through the garage towards his car, one of the only cars left. Halfway to his car the light in the garage went dark. Timothy could not see anything, even the tips of his own finger wiggling in front of his face. Timothy's heart was thudding so loudly it was audible. He heard something behind him but he couldn't see anything. Fear seized him and he started running towards his car. He heard the slow and steady movement behind him. He ran faster dropping his bag of treats. He had to be close to his car now.

The next day Timothy's body was found in the parking garage at the base of a column two feet from his car.

The moral of the story running in the dark because you are a weenie will only end badly.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Liz's thought for the day

Why do I not get better looking stalkers? If someone has to stalk me can it not be Jensen Ackles? Seriously, I do not think I am asking for too much here...

Sunday, October 11, 2009

'tis the season

When I was a kid there was a record we would listen to around this time of year. It was a record in which a a person told scary stories. It was awesome. I would love to have it on a cd now (because honestly who has a record player anymore, they were out of date when I was a little kid). I remember it had Edgar Allan Poe, the hitchhiker story, something about a big toe (possibly skinny toe), and a story I cannot remember anything about other than the line "Hello down there". I am about to go on a mission to see if they make such cds. My guess is no because kids do not seem to have the attention span to sit and listen to a story without something visual.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Melvin and the Tears of Doom

Once upon a time back when people used Bakelite radios there lived a man named Melvin Osterlump. Melvin cried often and for no apparent reason. When he saw people get hurt, he cried, when he saw people come together, he cried. He cried so much that from his eyes down his cheeks you could almost see rivets from the path the tears most often took. Melvin had problems keeping friends because of his unfortunate crying, this also made him cry. No women would even look at him, this made him cry as well. He had to use plastic pillow cases because his tears continued even as he slept. One day Melvin was crying down the street when he ran into a little old bag lady. The woman fell over and Melvin cried harder. He tried to help her up by his hands where too wet from his tears. The lady struggle to her dirty feet and glared at Melvin. At this Melvin started sobbing. The lady slowly reached into her bag and pulled out a mysterious powder Melvin never saw because his tears were too heavy. She pinched a bit of the powder into her palm and blew it in his face. It was like a miracle he could feel the tears resending. In moments he had stopped crying and didn't think he could cry even if he wanted to . He was so happy he hugged the women and thanked her then walked away. Melvin was on top of the world but as he walked he felt like his skin was tightening around him. It was horrible the worst headache he had ever had. Melvin managed to stumble into a bathroom. He leaned against the sink and looked in the mirror. Melvin was speechless when he saw the tiny head on the great big body staring back at him.
From that day on Melvin never cried again, but others cried when they saw poor Melvin and his shrunken head.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Princess Liz and Kim back again!

Once upon a time in a land of windmills there lived two princesses. Princess Kimmie Kim Kim Ka Choo and Princess Liz. One day P.K was walking down a little dirt path on her way to a sunny meadow with flowers and rainbows and all sort of bedazzled items. On her journey she ran into her good friend and drinking buddy P.L.
"Why hello kitty!" P. L said brightly. "How are you this fine afternoon?"
P.K. shrugged her shoulders. "I have the late afternoon work doldrums. So I decided to go to that meadow with all the girly crap and make fun of the mindless followers. And maybe buy a bedazzled Neil Diamond t-shirt."
"Oh that sound like fun I think I heard they are bedazzling smurfs today. I guess that legislation has not gone through yet. Poor little blue men. I would have thought they would have won enough money in that lawsuit against the blue man group for stealing their premise to stop this from happening."
"Yeah, I agree. I think the last straw was when Paris Hilton started carrying them in giant purses. Just so wrong. They may be tiny and blue, but damn it they have feelings too."
"God I could use some wine."
"You are my life now. I mean that I do. That sounds much better than those happy skittle shitting people. We can make fun of them after the winery."
"Only if there is the promise of bear claws."
"Yes of course. I will even feng shui you house if I am drunk enough."
"Oh no, I don't think so I remember what happened last time. You brought Steven Seagall back with you and he broke nearly every piece of my furniture proving that he was not past his prime. Some people can just not handle their jager."
"I promise no Steven Seagull this time. Besides he is in no condition to make it I think he got a hernia threw your couch from the balcony."
"What a tool bag."
"He is indeed a tool bag."
P.K and P.L laughed and continued to reminiscence the rest of the way to the winery.
The end.

Even the best laid plans...

So I am a fairly unabashed horror movie fan. I don't hide it, it isn't a secret... I simply love horror movies. It is a childhood thing. Some people watched Disney, I watched Nightmare on Elm Street.
My all time favorite horror movie is Halloween. Hands down the best one in my opinion: to be clear I am talking about the old John Carpenter movie not the Rob Zombie monstrosity of a movie. Anyway back on target, I had a friend of like mind growing up who watched all of these blood bath movies with me. Throughout the 25 years we have known each other that hasn't stopped we still go see these movies together.
Tonight was supposed to be Halloween 2 night. Yes I think Rob Zombie is a horrible director. Yes, I think he is single-handedly trying to ruin the best super villain of all time... but nevertheless I had every intention of see a movie I have exceedingly low expectations for two reasons. One, it is a scary movie and Two, it is Halloween! Imagine my surprise when I discover today that it is already out of theaters. What the what? Seriously. It has been out for what, two weeks. Was it that bad? I mean that exceeds even my expectation of horribleness. Now I am all geared up for a horror movie marathon sort of night and all I am left with is Sorority Row. I mean seriously people, Sorority Row. Ughhh

Monday, August 17, 2009

Yet Another Very Liz Encounter

I went to Taco Bell this weekend because I was running late for a show and needed to grab some lunch. I made my order and the elderly (like fifties) guy behind the counter was staring at my shirt (I hope) but didn't finish the order. Finally he looked at me and pointed towards me and asked
"Have you heard of Black Sabbath."
I wasn't entirely certain what to make of this since I was wearing my Arts and Science t-shirt but I am mostly a nice person so I said yes I had heard of them. Then he told me they were in Taco Bell earlier the same day. I wasn't sure what the appropriate response should have been to that to let him know that was neat and all but I had things to do and we needed to speed up this ordering process. I think I said something about oh they must be traveling between St. Louis and Kansas City. The man proceeded to tell me about when he used to live in Austen and work at a gas station where he met Alabama no fewer than three times.
How do these people find me and why cannot I not find a way to discourage the life story sharing?

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Green Acres Has Never Been the Place I Wanted To Be

Yesterday, I went on an adventure. You may wonder was it the fun sort of adventure where I have fascinating life experiences that will stick with me for years to come because of the poignant lessons they taught me... well the answer to that is no, don't be silly this isn't Saved By the Bell (sadly my life has never been Saved By the Bell no matter how hard I tried. My "timeouts" never really worked). Nope, this one consisted of an old truck, misleading information, treasure, cornfields, and disappointment.
My mother informed me yesterday morning that she needed help picking up some furniture she purchased at an estate sale. She said we had to wait until the afternoon when she could borrow a truck, but it shouldn't take too long. I agreed to help because I am a fantastic daughter (that and since all of my siblings are married with children these sort of jobs naturally fall on me). On the surface all of this may seen fine and dandy. No warning signs of the bed of lies this was built on.
Come one we were on the road driving to the house. Now I should have suspected what I was getting myself into when she handed me the directions on how to get to this house, but how am I supposed to know where Shelbina is. I will admit my Missouri geography was woefully neglected as a kid who always travelled a lot outside of Missouri I never bothered to learn much of what was in my own state if it wasn't along I-70 it simply didn't exist for me. I assumed it was in one of the little towns in the area...well 18 million cornfields later I had learned two things. One, when I look at cornfields I think of psycho, religious killers (thank you Children of the Corn) and snakes (thank you mom). Two, I was wrong. This stupid drive in the beat up old truck we borrowed took closer to two hours to get there. Two hours of tractors, corn, soy, pictures of Deliverance running through my head, and obsessing over the fact that today of all days was the day my old cell phone provider decided to end my service that I clearly stated was supposed to end on the 26th!
With every new small town that I hypothesized had outlawed dancing and was waiting for Kevin Bacon to come and free them I became more perturbed that I didn't have a phone and that we had still not made it to this alleged place called Shelbina. Finally, we pulled up in front of this old tiny house. Mom said no one was home we should just go in and take what she had bought. This seemed like a bad idea to me after all we are in gold ol' boy country and they all have guns. I would not want to be someone expected of looting and thievery. Nevertheless she charged in and I was left with no choice but to follow. We then spent the next hour or so struggling the largest heaviest dining room furniture I have ever moved. Finally when we were working on dismantling the last piece another scarier beat up truck pulled up outside.
Two wall-eyed and possibly toothless men started approaching the house. I looked at the screwdriver in my hand and wondered if the years of horror movie watching training had prepared me for this my greatest battle. I hoped more than believed they wouldn't have a shotgun with them since after all we were trespassing and for all intensive purposes looting. The two guys came into the front door and turned out to be two very nice country boys who were related to the lady the passed away. They helped us dismantle the table, loaded and tied down the truck for us. They even checked the air pressure in one of the tires because they were worried it looked too low (was it the fake country twang I adopted while talking to them... I guess we will never know). All in all they were stand up guys that I may have jumped to conclusion about unfairly.
Anyway we took the long and winding road less travelled by back home at the whopping speed of 45mph. We finally pulled up in front of the house at 7 where I could discover that I had missed the delivery of my new phone and would now have to wait until Monday.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Twitter and stuff

Ok, so I am finally trying out this twitter business. So far I like it, but now new questions are entering into my mind. Twitter is obviously a way to feel more connected to people you don't know, nor people you will ever meet (such as celebrities, writers, artists, musicians, etc.). At first I thought well that is sort of cool you get to see these people on a more real less polished level that is awesome and it is awesome. I have become a fan of people who I really had no opinion of before twitter because they sent out entertaining or thought provoking messages. But on the flip side of that is there such thing as too much information. Are we losing a part of these entertainment arts by learning too much. Will anyone be able to have the allusive charm or charisma as Cary Grant? Then again on the flip side of that perhaps if we start seeing celebrities for the real people they actually are then people will not act so foolish about them. I don't know that is just where my mind is about all of this today.
Once again I am sure I am over thinking something basically simple in nature.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Don't Be a Gooey Chocolate Chip Cookie

I slept for like 12 hours last night and didn't finish the book club book now I am all hyped up on caffeine because Ryan Seacrest via twitter update reminded me that Starbucks was giving away a free pastry if you buy a drink, so how could I pass that up...Basically I am a mess today.

Monday, July 6, 2009

The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire

I have been thinking about technology today. I am not sure what spawned my most recent bout of deep thought but here it is for all those in blog world in a nutshell. What will happen if one day we lose all of our technology? Even the most technology resistant of people still use and encounter it on a daily basis. There are so many things now that people do not do, machines handle it. What would happen one day if we didn't have the machines to handle it, would anyone know how?
This dilemma brings to mind the Roman empire. They were innovators of their time. They had come up with incredible inventions of technology. They had figured out plumbing, running water, heating and cooling, etc. Then one day it was all gone and hello Dark Ages. It took hundreds and hundreds of years for people to regain what was lost with the fall of the roman empire. How long would it take us?
I am glad my math teachers in high school made us learn how to do the math by hand and not just rely on calculators, hopefully teachers are still doing that. Computers and technology are great, but anything that we are too dependent on is dangerous.
I leave you with an extrapolation of Aristotle's Doctrine of the Mean "Moderation in all things"

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Why is there not a Neil Diamond Day?

It is a rare male who can pull off wearing a sequined shirt without being in drag... Neil Diamond I salute you.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Fly paper for freaks

At a car dealership this weekend the sales person insisted on showing me his heart surgery scar. First I don't care, second ew! Have I mentioned my sheer abhorrence for sales people.

Friday, June 26, 2009

The Short Adventure of Sammy Sandwich

One extremely long afternoon Ms. Kimbottom Fancypants was working tirelessly on work type things. She had cut her lunch short only eating the soup part of her soup and sandwich combo (why anyone would have ordered soup when the heat index made it a hair hotter than hell is beyond me). She brought her sandwich back with her to work determined to save it for dinner. While she was working how ever she managed to spill her cranergy pomegranate juice. She did not notice the juice trickling down the side of her filling cabinet and into her purse soaking her sandwich in tasty pomegranate goodness.
Soon the juice began to coagulate and before Kimbotton Fancypants knew what was going on her sandwich had grown legs, arms, and quite the little sandwichy attitude. Her sandwich hopped up onto her desk and asked her "Do you need help sussing out these spreadsheets Fancypants or should I see what Captain Corndog and Baron Von Broccoli are up to?"
Kimbottom was quite amazed that her sandwich had acquired not only legs and arms but vocal abilities in such a short amount of time. "Sammy Sandwich get back into my purse where you belong. I cannot be seen talking to my lunch when my boss is on his way. Scat."
Sammy Sandwich looked Kimbottom in the eye and said with contemptuousness "I shall not. I have heard your plans, you intend to murder me tonight. I am having none of that old Fancypants. You will have to catch me."
Sammy Sandwich jumped off the desk and began running between the cubicle aisles waving his hands in the air like he just didn't care. Kim chased her sandwich hissing at it. "Sammy Sandwich you stop at once before someone steps on you."
Sammy became so preoccupied looking over his shoulder at her he ran right into the water cooler knocking himself flat.
Kimbottom picked up Sammy Sandwich and said "Get in my belly."
Thus ending the life of Sammy Sandwich.
The End

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Sound of Music

So it has been a while since I blogged. Sorry man, I've been living my life.
This summer is all about the music for me. Beale Street Music festival reignited my passion for other people's music (I make none of my own, I do occasionally sing while driving in my car and while TECHNICALLY that may be considered music I would not go so far as to deem it so).

I have found several artist who are not necessarily new but are new to me so that is good enough. I love musicians in this stage of their career. When they are not quite famous, but still are able to make a living at what they do. They still have that appreciation for what they have without the seemingly inevitable feelings of entitlement. You are only here because we like you buddy and you can leave just as fast as the public's opinion changes.

That is what summer is all about though, right? It is about hanging out with good friends, good music, hotter than hell weather (if you reside is Missouri). Music should be a part of everyone's soul. It inspires and reminds you that the world is a much bigger place than your own little piece of it. I give you all permission to play your favorite song on the way home from work today with your windows down (if you are brave) or you ac on max and sing at the top of your lung. In the immortal words of Journey Don't stop Believing. ahhahahahaha that is cheesetastic...but completely made of awesome.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Random thought

If I were independently wealthy I would spend one whole summer traveling to towns with interesting names. Like Sugar Land, TX or Truth or Consequences, NM…

Friday, May 22, 2009


Ok what is the deal with the gas prices raising 20 cents in the last 12 hours. What a lot of bullshit that is. Yes it is a holiday weekend but there is no reason to gouge the public, but I guess that is how you get 400 BILLION dollars in profits. What a lot of crap. Can this not be better regulated. I don't know anything about the industry or ramifications of regulating gas prices but these companies want to be assholes I think they deserve it. There has got to be a better way, that's all I am saying.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Good Afternoon Earthlings


It has been a while. Not much to say. I have been writing and editing like crazy which seems to suck the funny and will to ramble out of me. Good for my friends and family bad for the blog. Here are my stray observations.
- With the success of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (still waiting for my copy!) will they remake all of the classics with zombies? My vote is for YES! Here are the reasons why 1. You can never have too many zombie resources call it good planning. 2. Zombies really do fit into any situation. You can never go wrong with a well placed zombie thirsting for brains. 3. While they are pretty low on the horror movie totem pole (think pawns on a chess board) they are unequivocally hilarious and socially relevant. (Please like you have never been that drunk person reminding other people of Night of the Living Dead I am not a fool fancy pants.)
My top three books in which I think adding zombies would be made of awesome are: Tale of Two Cities...what is the French revolution with out zombie forces tearing apart royals. Besides Dickens is MADE for zombies. Anna Karenina, who could resist adding zombies to a pinnacle of realist fiction. That is made of win, besides Russian zombies... I get goose bumps just thinking about it. For Whom the Bell Tolls I mostly think this because it reminds me of my Resident Evil V video game with all the zombies running around saying muerto. I am who I am, shut up.

- I am sad Dorothy aka Bea Arthur passed away. Oh noes! Goodbye you Golden Girl you. Thank you for being a friend.

- A couple days before my Memphis road trip. Wish me luck, hopefully the rain isn't too much. I am sure it will be a strange and wonderful journey into bat country with my friends.

- I am still on my too much tv watching kick. Thanks to my Roku player I started watching this BBC show Ballykissangel about a cute, quirky Irish town. I was totally into it until it ripped out my heart and stomped it into the ground then ran over it 8 times then a dog came and peed on it at the end of the third season. Thanks for that... really. If any of my other shows have bad ending I am giving up tv altogether for at least 3 years.

Well look at that apparently my ability to incoherently ramble is still intact. *win*

Peace out

Friday, April 17, 2009


I woke up in the desert, lying in warm sand. I sat up trying to understand where I was while brushing the sand off my clothes. Looking around, at first I thought I was alone. But then I saw the striking man from the bar, crouching next to me. I wasn’t scared, just curious. He reached towards me.

“Where am I?” I asked looking at miles and miles of desert. He did not answer my question but pointed to a bridge that had not been there the moment before. I went to the bridge but there was no water under it only sand.

“Is this death?” I don’t know why I asked but it seemed like the appropriate question. I wasn’t scared, I felt eerily calm.

He shook his head no, slowly and deliberately, but did not move closer to me. I looked again and there were thousands of snakes now under the bridge coiling and slithering over one another. They had an agitated feel to them. The serpents scared me.

“Don’t fall in.” the voice came from directly behind me. His voice was soft and velvety.

“Who are you?”

“I could ask you the same question.”

“Have we met?”I tried another line of questioning.

“What are you doing here?”

“I don’t know.”

“Come with me. I would like to show you something.” He said his eyes still calm and expressionless. I took his hand though it wasn’t extended. He looked at my hand in his and back at me as if I had lost my mind but the expression only lasted seconds. I let him lead me without question.

We walked for a long while in silence but our fingers interlaced with a mind of their own. Eventually I could see old farm houses off in the distance. We were approaching a town. Where did that come from? There was no town before. As we got to the town and I saw the shadows of people roaming around like a memory I suddenly understood.

“All of these people are dead.”


“Who lives here?”

“No one lives here. This is my town.”

The way the buildings lined the dirt road reminded me of a western ghost town. The glass windows were so dirty that I couldn’t clearly see inside. The closer I came to them the more corporeal shadow people were. They were walking around the street and in and out of stores that were no longer seemed so dirty and abandoned. They went about their business as if we were not there. We continued down the street. At the end of the street there were two identical buildings on either side. Both of them had large red double doors. Each door was about twenty feet tall and five feet wide. I looked back and forth between them.

“I don’t understand.”

“Let’s not stop here. We will keep going around the corner.” His voice seemed almost desperate, betraying his calm eyes.

“What is around the corner?”

“I don’t know there has never been a corner before.”He smiled, but his eyes lingered on the doors intently. His jaw flexed and set at a stubborn angle “These doors are not for you.”

“Why? I don’t want to go, let’s go back. I don’t understand.”

He pulled my hand suddenly insistent. “There is no going back. We need to go around the corner… now.” I let him pull me to the corner.

It was not only a new street but like a different place altogether. This one was not sad and desolate with only images of the past. This one was busy and bursting with life. It reminded me of the market in Florence. It looked inviting. At first, I was glad we went around the corner then I saw a giant red man in leather pants walking down the street carrying a huge sword. Immediately I was scared. I tried to let go of the man’s hand so I could run, but he wouldn’t let go of me. I looked at him in panic as the man got closer.

“It’s ok. We will stay… fight.”

“Are you crazy? No we have to leave.”

“I can make you stay.”

“Come with me.” This time I pulled his hand, He followed as I went back around the corner. The red man was so close now I could hear his heavy steps. I went up to the red door and tried to open it, but it would not open.

“Not in there.” He said almost pleading.

“There is no where else.”

He made eye contact with me for a moment as if he were trying to read my thoughts. “If you would really like to go in there, just knock.” his voice was somehow different now, deeper more gravelly.



I did and the door slowly opened. Immediately, I recognized my mistake… only it was too late.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


It all started with an email conversation. Six people, who had very little in common besides for their mutual misfortune of attending the same small country high school in rural Missouri, made plans for a weekend getaway. Each one of them had lead their own life and had followed their own path since graduation. Occasionally it was mentioned how lucky they were to still be friends after so many years fluttered past them. They knew that their friendship had been forged on countless nights of giggling, prank phone calls, confessions, triumphs, failures, joy, heartache, and a complete understanding and acceptance of one another. Luck never entered into the picture.
It really all stemmed from an email that Sophie Mailman sent to her friends. If fault must be assigned it was hers for the taking. She instigated the conversation. Not purposefully, though she has been known to do such things in the past and will probably continue to do them in the future. Always being drawn towards the macabre Sophie shared with her oldest friends about her Halloween weekend adventure in an allegedly haunted house. Not that it matters now, but she could not have known where that email would have lead. The strange and terrifying path their lives would then begin to follow. Weaving them forever in the fabric of time and space.

Where are my manners? I have failed to properly introduce myself. My name is Nigel Wilde and I have a tale to tell you about six friends; six friends whose lives took a strange and unexpected turn over the course of an weekend. Enough about me though, who I am is of little importance in this tale. Who they are, however, holds the key to why fate and destiny took the wheel leading them down a dark and twisted road of nightmares and truth. Some still remain on the twisted road to no where battling their demons while others have moved on. I assured you three clicks of your heals will not carry you away from this Oz.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Easter thoughts

I was sitting in the cry room at church on Sunday trying to listen to what the priest was saying over ever increasingly annoying children, but only managed to hear bits and pieces. I do not go to church regularly but slightly more frequent than a C & E person. When I am there however I want to come out having learned something I didn't know before. That isn't too hard since I was born and raised a Catholic so obviously I cannot quote you scripture nor can I relay with any accuracy most of the stories in the Bible. I figure that if I am making the effort to drag my sinning self into church and not get struck by a bolt of lightning the least they can do is teach me something.

Well Sunday I missed most of what was said because of some little kid with a big bow in her hair who kept screaming "No" at her parents in a way that only a child who has never been disciplined does. From what I heard the priest was talking about the resurrection of Christ. The priest asked what did the apostles think when they found that Jesus had risen? I have to wonder was I the only person in attendance that thought "Holy shit zombies, church is finally getting good."

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Email addresses of shame

So it is no secret I like funny email addresses. I always have. When dad was sick and needed a liver transplant in a momentary stroke of genius I made him an email account named Ineedaliver... yes truly one of my more inspired names. Well with my own email address I use genehackmankickyourass. I have enjoyed this for a long time it always makes me smile, it especially makes me smile when my mom tries to give it to other people but tells them that it is genehackmankickMYass. hehehehe
Anyway not the point of this blog. I obviously do not give out my boring work email address to businesses because I know they will spam my account. I always give the other genehackman one. It doesn't bother me to write it on a piece of paper or a website but the other day I was in Barnes and Noble picking up a book and the girl checking me out first tried to talk me into the card. I said no then she asked if I would like to receive email coupons. I said sure expecting to fill something out, but no I had to say it out loud. I suddenly felt the need to justify my email address to this perfect stranger who I might add was laughing at it. I became one of those people that I hate. Those people who pounce on strangers and tell them their life story. I couldn't stop myself.The more rational, smarter voice in my head was telling me to shut up but the fear made me do it. I rambled on like a meth addict giving directions to a cop.
I leave you with a little Fear and Loathing because it seems appropriate "Hey honkies you want to buy some heroin?"

Monday, March 16, 2009

What Dreams May Come

I have weird dreams. It is true. They are not just like "huh, that's strange" sort of dreams. They are detailed and long dreams in which many incredibly odd things happen. They are the type of dreams I tell people about and then the room gets quiet and either the people laugh and tell me I am sick or there is an extremely uncomfortable awkward silence in which I know the person is mapping out the closest exits.
These dreams come in two varieties. The first and most frequent variety is that of the horror genre. Someone is normally chasing me and there is plenty of violence and gore to go around. On a whole these do not bother me too much. I have grown accustomed to them over the years. Now the second and more rare type of dream is the philosophical type. The time in which I am having a deep and meaningful conversation about something. Last night I had a dream I was discussing the inter workings of Hamlet with David Cook (this would be like the 3 non horror movie inspired dream he has been in). Now you may be wondering does Liz like David Cook a lot. Not really. I do not dislike him, in all fairness I have never met him. He is fine. I am sure he is a lovely person. Does he know anything about Hamlet? My dream does not bode well for him but hey so long as he is making the guest appearance I will give him they benefit of a doubt.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Why my dogs hate me...

We have been meaning to get the dogs hair but for a while now, but I never seem to remember to make them an appointment with the groomer. So last night we decided to give the dogs a "trim" so they would stop bringing so much dirt into the house. Poor Whiskey now looks like she was run over by a lawn mower. She has sprouts of hair and bald patches. She has a constant walleyed and crazed look about her. Then little Rachel, well I trimmed less of her. I left her body alone and just focused on her head and feet. In retrospect maybe I should have worked on her body too because she looks like a tiny little sheep with a huge body and a tiny little surprised flat head.
My poor babies, look dejected every time I put them outside like they don't want the other neighborhood dogs to see them... and rightly so.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The best ambiguous phrases

1. Life isn't always flowers and sausages.
2. Sunshine sandwich.
3. Shamrock shake- this is my newest and favorite one for today.
Here are some possible uses: use it dirty."I bet you showed him your shamrock shake..." or you can use it clean "One shamrock shake please with a pint of Guinness" or hateful "You dirty shamrock shake" or egotistically "Her shamrock shake has nothing on mine" or accusingly "You gave me a shamrock shake!"

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Agent Kimmie Wammie

Agent Kimmie was feeling the spring fever and the only cure was more cowbells. She went on a mission to find the cowbell surplus she knew must be around. Her journey took her places far and wide. She met with the Lord of the Rings...he was sort of a douche and persnickety. He had a problem with the fact she didn't like to wear socks. Agent Kimmie didn't care, she was ready to get back to the States because she missed McDonald's like Chris Brown misses beating down women (hmmmmm is it too soon for jokes on that?). Going through the airport customs was a huge pain in her ass. She thought about giving them a Hawaiian punch right in the lamb chop but decided not to get arrested or she would be hungry all the time. She bit her tongue against the snarky comments floating through her head and headed directly to McD's for some McFlurry goodness. At Mcdonalds she ran into a high school FFA group who happened to come from the national cowbell convention that take place on Cadillac Ranch every year and they agreed to play her Neil Diamond's Rambling Rose on their cowbells; at last the spring fever subsided.
The End

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

5 signs I am getting old

1. New counter tops makes me as happy as getting free drinks at a bar used to make me.
2. I can keep plants alive and actually like them. Not only that but now I have plans for additional plants.
3. Any given conversation with my pals can range all the way from planned get togethers to aspercreme.
4. I no longer want to go out if it is too cold or too hot outside, it has to be just right.
5. When I look at shoes now, I still recognize the cute ones, but am drawn to the sensible ones.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Never the Same Again

What started as a bad hair day had just become the worst day of Maggie's life. She sat in her doctor's office lost inside her own mind as he rambled on about operations and getting a handle on this before it got any worse. Once the word "tumor" escaped his lips the good doctor lost his audience of one. She didn't immediately respond instead she sat in a daze waiting. Maggie didn't know what she was waiting for, perhaps she was waiting to wake up or perhaps she was waiting to fall over dead. It didn't really matter now. Now she had a tumor.
"We can fit your surgery in the schedule two weeks from today." the doctor looked at her sympathetically "Do you understand everything I have explained to you Maggie?"
Maggie wondered how he could ask her such a question of course she did not understand. She did not understand how a minor lingering head ache could be a death sentence. She did not understand the words six months at most.
"Six months." she managed to stutter out.
"Only if you do not have the surgery. This is not a death sentence Maggie. Yes your life will change when you have the operation. You will have some trouble with your memory and reasoning, but you can still have a full, independent and complete life."
Maggie couldn't believe the doctor expected her to let him cut out part of her brain. He claimed she could still live a full and complete life just a little bit more stupid. It was easy for him to be so hopeful he wasn't the one who was going to have a chunk of brain removed. Maggie did not want the surgery. Maggie wanted to say no and go home to live out the rest of her small life in peace...
"Ok." she said quietly. She made the arrangements with the doctor and went to her car. She sat in the driver's seat still lost in the hamster maze that was her mind. She didn't want to go home. She didn't want to tell her husband and children that mommy would be a little bit dumber from now on. She didn't want to be a burden to them or to her husband. She wondered briefly if it would be easier or harder on them if she were to elect not to have the surgery.
She felt selfish for even thinking about not wanting to have it but those feelings did not make make her desire any less true. She stopped by McDonalds on her way home and picked up a McFlurry. The drive through employee spoke in jumbled English though she could tell he was born and raised here. He proceeded to mention the fact that he forgot his shoes when coming into work today and had to go home and get them.

"Would this be me? Is this how I will end up?" Maggie thought to herself as she drove home.
Maggie told her husband the news in private. He was more positive and assured that everything would be fine. They would save her and everything would be fine. He didn't seem to understand the fact that everything would most certainly not be fine. They told their children the news together in a mixture of tears and brave words the family united. No one seemed to want to go about their lives after the news was spoken. The family sat around the table looking at one another, the sudden awareness of their own mortality drifting through each person's eyes.
Maggie's husband stood up and walked out of the room. Everyone watched him go but no one said anything. There was nothing left to say. Maggie would be saved but she would never be the same again.
"How about a game night?" Maggie's husband said as he came back into the room holding the Trivial Pursuit box.

The Bar at the End of Lonely St.

It is a cold blustery day in a little town of no consequence to anyone including the people who live there. The wind howled outside of a small bar causing the walls to groan. The bar had long since fallen off the beaten path and saw few patrons, especially on nights like this.
The bartender stood behind the bar leaning against the back counter mindlessly polishing glasses with a dirty bar towel. His attention seemed to be divided between the low hum of the TV and the two women sitting at the bar. The woman named Mona leaned in to speak to her companion as if they were sharing state secrets. Her companion Piper leaned away from her uncomfortable by the intrusion into her space. They were an odd pair. It was obvious that they did not know each other well. Neither lady said much to the other one, mostly they awkwardly sipped their Bacardi and avoided having to speak causing seemingly infinite pauses in their conversation.
Piper began to look around the room out of boredom for something more entertaining then her soft spoken companion whom she had little in common with. Her aware and curious eyes inspected the dingy little room. Pictures were haphazardly placed all over the walls covered by a smoky grime from the years when the bar was less desolate. The few rickety tables and chairs had seen their better days and where marred with juvenile graffiti. A dart board in the corner blinked tiredly giving a strobe effect in the too dim room.
Piper mindlessly fidgeted with the coast that was supposed to be under her drink. She briefly wondered why she had even bothered coming here in the first place. Mona was not really her friend, in fact they hardly knew each other at all. Piper had only met Mona a couple hours earlier when she helped her change her tire in the grocery store parking lot. Mona insisted on buying her a drink and officially welcoming her to their small community. Piper didn't want to go but in a town this small you couldn't afford to burn bridges this soon.
So here they sat two women with nothing in common and no desire to follow through on small talk. A cold draft of air swirled into the bar as the door slammed against the wall grabbing the girl's attention. George walked through the opening with his shoulders hunched against the wind and his hands jammed into his pockets. He nodded to the bartender who began pouring two finger of whiskey neat for him. George sat in a chair in the corner of the room with his back to the wall. His seat provided him with a view of the entire room though he looked no where besides at his own glass.
"Who's that?" Piper whispered to Mona.
"Be careful of that guy." she said in the same soft spoken voice "He is a man with a past."
Piper's mind began racing about all of the sordid details someone could have in their past to warrant a warning such as that. She studied him carefully out of the corner of her eye. He appeared to have not shaven for a few days and his hands were weathered and blunt. His eyes were thin slits under heavy brows and his face worn and tired.
Again the door slammed against the wall and a gust of wind mercilessly rushed through the bar. Another man stepped through the door. Henry wore a jacket that was too light for a night such as this. His face was alert and aware of its surroundings as he too nodded to the bartender and too a seat at the table in the adjacent corner of the room. Henry also placed his back to the wall, but he made no attempted to hide the fact that he was looking around the room as the bartender delivered a two fingers of a 20 year old scotch to him.
"Who's that guy?" Piper again whispered to Mona hoping for more details this time.
"Be careful of that guy too." She said her eyes narrowing slightly as she looked at him "He is a man with no past."
Piper adjusted in her seat so she could see him more clearly. He was somewhat handsome and put together seeming, but a air of falsehood surrounded him. Piper thought he was as fake as his tan, but wondered why he was so intently focused on the man across the room. She discretely looked back over at George. He was no longer looking at his glass of cheap whiskey now his eyes were steadily focused on Henry. The air crackled with electricity and tension and the bar remained deathly quiet besides for the low hum of the TV in the back ground.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Too Funny... Doll Bachelor 8


-I visit my blog, this blog, and am annoyed that it isn't updated, then I remember that I am the one who had to do the updating then I start to feel tired.
-I write bad poetry (because good poetry and I do not get along) and inflict it on my friends. Normally this happens only around their birthdays but any day holds the possibility that they will have to humor my whims. Here is an example or two:
Untitled poem one:
It's your birthday
Well good for you
Here's what to do...
Follow my instructions today

Shout hooray!
Avoid the color blue.
Tie only one shoe
and don't forget to say

Liz is awesome....
Wait that didn't rhyme?!?!?!
What in the hell do you expect from me.
Shut up.

Untitled poem two:
Devin and Kristin
Happy birthday to you.
I hope you get a better present than a mitten
perhaps a trip to the zoo
Now is not the time to be a kitten
though a sexy cat would do.
I am not sure what I have written
besides happy birthday to you.

-There is nothing quite like Missouri weather to keep your sinus's in a constant state of throbbing and stabbing pain. It is amazing we are all not curled in a fetal position with blood coming out of our eyes. If you need me I will be under my desk hiding from the light.

-At some point in your life you meet too many people to remember all of their birthdays, but I find it is a good rule of thumb to send out one mass bcc email to everyone you know saying Who's the birthday person this week. ;-). Notice the winking face makes people think you know it is their birthday and are being cute or if it is not their birthday it makes them think that they have forgotten yours so you get complements and free shit.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Happy Monday.

I had one of those wonderful lazy weekends. It was chalk full of Arrested Development and Friday the 13th movies. I can now safely say
-I am ready for the Arrested Development movie to come out and I am tired of waiting for it. Stop licking my hand you horse's ass.
- The new Friday the 13th is definitely better than the old ones. When I started having A.D overload I would turn on some of my favorite Ft13ths. I watched part 4 and 7 they pale in comparison. Yay new Jason.
- I watched some of the Oscars it was pretty good this year. Hugh Jackman was an excellent host. Any show that has a montage to musicals is golden to me.
- Doing laundry sucks.
-Buffalo chicken pizza is pretty tasty, but not quite made of awesome.
- After a cat rides around under the hood of a car for a couple hours it is exceptionally needy.

Friday, February 20, 2009

This is made of awesome

Follow the link and find out how a weave may save your life. No joke, I am for real. ;-)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Things that are made of awesome this week

My friend Kim and I had an amazing idea yesterday that is completely made of awesome then rolled in awesome and sprinkled with awesome dust. Now because of its unique nature I am not yet prepared to tell you about it, but wait for it. In honor of that though I give a list of other things that are made of awesome this week.

-Animal crackers are made of awesome because they are crackers that taste like cookies. They are an acceptable breakfast food (shut up they are in my world). It is fun to tear them limb from limb.

-Gummy bears are made of awesome. They once again have the tearing limb from limb quality, but you can also stretch them, bite little holes in them, etc. They also come in vitamin form so not only are they highly entertaining but they can be good for you are well. Also there is the added benefit of finding the freak gummy bear that is a Siamese twin (if you were to save them you could start a gummy bear carnival, the possibilities are endless)

-My uncle Bob is made of awesome. I don't have to prove it he just is, so there.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The true ingredients of being made of awesome

A smidgen of Kim, a hint of Liz, a lot of Jack Bauer, a little Friday the 13th, and topped off with a Winchester.

Monday, February 16, 2009

My weekend aka Friday the 13th glory

Well as you may have guessed I did nothing this weekend. Yep didn't see the movie I have been obsessing about for two months. I chose to play jenga with the Parkers' instead... yep that is exactly what happened.
Sucker. No for real I saw the movie two times and will probably go a third time this week. It was everything I had hoped for. I throw back to the classic 80's monster movie. It was wonderfully snarky. It took itself just serious enough to keep it from being a spoof, but at the same time it had no problem soliciting a laugh at its own expense.
The new Jason is freaking awesome! He is more human and less zombie then he has been in 30 years. There was a whole new energy brought to the role which was topped off nicely by plenty of gratuitous violence and sex.
13 victims lent a nice symmetry to the story and no two were the same. From my view point as a big fan of the entire genre I would say it was it met all of my inflated expectations. Jason kicked Valentine's day ass.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Zombie days

Today at lunch I saw a zombie. I knew it was a zombie based on her slow, shuffled walk, blank fresh craving expression, and slacked jaw. I was not scared, mostly because I was in a car pointing at her and she didn't notice. Had I walked past her and she tried to bite me I would have had to whip out the nunchucks I bought on eBay yesterday and kicked some zombie butt. (Of course I do this almost every time a stranger tries to bite me zombie or not...that just isn't sanitary) My sister did not believe it was a zombie (poor naïve girl). She obviously has not watched enough movies or read the Zombie Survival Guide. Luckily I was there to set her straight.

Happy Friday the 13th!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Zombie's Gone Wild

Zombie's Gone Wild is being released this week. Now I know most of you are thinking why should I care about an insignificant movie that was not released nationwide about spring break zombies who are as the title implies wild. That is a very good question and my answer is... Well la-de-da Mr/Ms.Too Good for Zombie Spring Break Movies. What are you going to do when one year you are on spring break and find yourself surrounded by Bartlett Pear trees, which coincidentally smell like swamp ass so will therefore cover the smell of the decaying flesh of the zombies who are about to attack you in your vacation splendor. These cheese hating zombies will chase you around relentlessly until you are forced to turn to the know-it-all person you loathe the most, Pipi. Pipi will have of course seen the movie (therefore he will have the proper tools to defend himself for the Zombie's Gone Wild Attack) and will laugh at you for your foolishness. Pipi being the mean SOB that he is will refuse to help you. There you will be alone on vacation with wild zombies. Now don't you wish you too had watched this "destined to be a classic" movie. GO ahead take a moment and think about it.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Thirteen Reasons Jason can kick Chuck Norris' ass

1. He he was raised by inbreeders grew up after he died underwater and therefore has a natural resistance to bullets, knifes, arrows, axes, fire, drowning, electricity, etc.
2. Can catch people just by walking even when they are running.
3. Has the uncanny ability to hide out in the open even when people are looking for him.
4. He knows who is naughty and nice just like Santa but he doesn't care you are still fair game
5. Is proficient with every weapon ever made and has a knack for turning non weapons into weapons
6. He can squeeze you head so hard you eyes will pop out. Reference Friday the 13th part three.
7. He always minds his mother.
8. He has more lives then Britney Spears has second chances.
9. He doesn't even have to speak, people pee their pants just looking at him.
10. Chuck Norris could rip off his arm and Jason would just beat him to death with it then reattach it no problem
11. Jason would laugh at Chuck round house kick if he could laugh then grab his ankle and beat him against a smiley face carved into a tree until it turns red, his favorite color. See part 6
12. It doesn't matter if Chuck checks under his bed for Jason he will still die probably by an arrow being pushed through the mattress and then throat. See part one.
13. Jason doesn't take American Express, Discover, ro Mastercard. Only Visa bitch... see part 7

13 Things Seeing Friday the 13th can do for you...

1. It can cure back pain
2. Unclog arteries
3. Make you want to watch hockey more
4. Make you want to go camping
5. Make you more open minded to other people's problems
6. Shows you the improper use of tools and hunting equipment
7. Teaches valuable life lessons about the woes of being a whore
8. Gives you that gentle reminder when you are running from someone looking back over your shoulder only slows you down letting them catch up.
9. It has been known to clear up cases of colds, flu, influenza, chronic coughing, scurvy, and shingles
10. Demonstrates proper and improper hide and go seek methods
11. Highlights the dangers of children being unsupervised around water sources
12. Has been approved by the FDA as nutritional substance
13. Studies have found it will increase awareness, digestion, memory, and cognitive skills.

warning: This blog may contain lies... lots and lots of lies.

Monday, February 9, 2009


Ack! Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I know I know it is always the excuses with me. You're smart, I'm dumb. I'm a loser, you're awesome. You complete me and are my life.... am I forgiven yet? Well that is about all the grovelling I have in me so I better be. Ok here is a recap of what you have missed.

T.V, yoga, Friday the 13th, Pinky and the Brain, nieces and nephews, The Uninvited, OMG, Supernatural, Vampire Diaries tv series !?!?!?!, Chris Brown beat up Rhianna WTF, Untitled Book 2, agents, freaking out, celebrating, HOMG, almost cartwheels, evil cheese wheels attacking leaving cheese smudges on my shirts, liar liar pants on fire, backstabbing, cussing, stupid slutbagho being dismissed, snarky comments, sadness, funeral, family, awkward moments, and gravity.


In other news. 5 moe days until the movie event of 2009. There is about a 20% chance I will be disappointed, but that leaves an 80% chance my head will explode from the awesomeness that is Friday the 13th. HOMG the new Jason looked freaking amazing.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Dream a Little Dream

I have had some CRAZY ASS dreams of late that were just completely off the cuff. I will not go into any real details because I still have some pride, albeit not as much as I used to have. Mostly they have left me wondering what is going on in my head and why have all my screws suddenly came loose.
Here are my theories as to why I have crazy dreams one of in which in Spanish (which I do not speak).
-I tried brussel spouts for the first time this weekend...and I liked them
-Alcohol has finally killed the last of my brain cells protecting me from my subconscious.
-My love for messing with other people's minds has finally turned on me like the robots in Terminator.
-Someone is pointing their magnifying glass on me in this great ant farm that is called life.
-I have been too normal these past couple weeks and the crazy has to find a way out. Basically I have sprung a leak.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Riddle Me This....

Who doesn't want to go on a Golden Girl's themed road trip to see the biggest ball of yarn and Dollywood? Heeeelllooooo----- AWESOME.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Magic 8 Ball

The magic 8 ball has been one of the best inventions in the 20th century. It has taken away the need to make decisions about unimportant questions by offering you the question cosmic response. Will I eat dinner tonight. Outlook is good. See it knows all and is ambiguous enough to bullshit its way through most questions.
I have a suggestion for a new magic 8 ball. In a perfect world this magic 8 ball would be filled with vodka, everyone needs a pick me up now and then, and the answers would be meat themed.
For example.
Will I have dinner tonight? Answer: Where's the beef.
Other possible answers
I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.
Get your jive turkey ass out of here
Give the wee little man some corned beef.
The answer my friend is flowers and sausages


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The road to free drinks

First a smile...then your soul.

Awkward is my middle name

Highlights of my weekend

-3D horror movies with super hot Jensen Ackles
-Being sent a free drink and then being promised to yet another waiter in the hopes of free cheese dip by someone who can speak another language that I cannot speak therefore could not stop the transaction from taking place.
-Surround sound
-Awkward moments sent down from the roof.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Yay Scary!

So starting last Friday up until at least February 13th there is one scary movie after another coming out, not to mention that Supernatural restarted last night with an episode that completely skeeved me out in the best possible way. In honor of the epic amounts of violence and horror I get to watch in the coming weeks I give you the 5 most individually creepy scenes in movies ever.
5. The squeal like a pig scene in Deliverance (yes it is not a horror movie but that scene haunts every person who has ever seen that movie)
4. Reagan in the Exorcist with the cross. Nasty.
3. Michael Meyers attacking Laurie Strode in the closet in Halloween.
2. The guy in Seven that died from sloth but wasn't quite dead yet.
1. Jack Torrence tormenting his wife on the stairs in the Shining. Give me the bat (then the thing with the tongue)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

What the Deuce?

Holy hell. I am watching American Idol tonight and the auditions in KC because apparently I sort of know someone that is supposed to be on it. I have a few questions.
-Do these people not own a mirror?
-Who goes on tv like this?
-Even if they cannot hear how badly they are singing don't they have friends who will tell them?" Or better yet talk them out of it.
- Why do people keep singing when the judges tell them they suck? Do they really think that they will like them more if they listen to more? Does the sound of nails on a chalkboard get better?
-And finally why are you crying?

Friday, January 9, 2009

Things that make you go hmmmm.

I was thinking about the movies I used to watch as a kid this afternoon and you know what it explains a lot about why I am like I am. Can someone who grew up watching horribly cheesy horror movies (Monkey Shines, Witchboard, The Fly, etc.) not come into adulthood a little off beat, afraid of clowns, and with a deep love for cheese.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Goodbye Cruel World

I was fired from life today during lunch. You may wonder what horrible offense I have committed to be removed from the land of the living.(Even if you don't you are going to find out)

Was it my unquenchable desire to share every remotely humorous story with everyone I

Was it because of jealousy of my perfectly sharp and able mind? Sadly no.

Is it an incurable case of phung :-)? Nope.

Apparently not liking salt was enough to do it. To come back I will have to take a journey through bat country. During my journey through bat country I will meet C. Dick and I will watch him run. Then I will surely meet up with Roland Doobie and spend some quality time with him while he makes me draw portraits of my thumbs. Only to cap off my journey at Sammy's Salty Shack, where I will be forced to eat salt until I like it. It should make for a strange and terrible journey full of ironic torments and sardonic witticisms.

Wish me luck,

I am Ahab.

Give My Regards to Soul and Romance

Hello folks in blog world,
How the hell are you. From time to time when when I can't think of anything else to write about... ummm I mean when I am feeling generous I like to bring to you the best commercials or products that the industry is offering to us lowly common folk. For example here is a fine advertisement for what I think is a car dealership but maybe not, it could be for chicken costumes that shoot eggs out of the butt. This isn't at all trippy and there is a perfectly good reason that red headed woman has a mustache that would make Tom Selleck envious I am sure.

Have you ever wondered where single farmers go to meet one another when they tire of the livestock... no, well me either, but as the commercial points out City folks just don't get it.

The age old question "Who is Mr. Stinkypants has finally been answered.

I found the best after the holiday present a girl could want. It is the magical Dirty Dancing Workout video. Yes it may be 18 years too late but you can learn to dance like Baby and Johnny, but can you be as dramatic? No body puts Baby in the corner or confuses this dvd with the Do You Love Me- Dirty Dancing Fitness Salsa.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I am Ahab

Do you ever have those days. You wake up and are immediately hit with the knowledge that it is going to be one of those days. Everything is a bit off kilter. Not so much to drive you to drink dish water, but enough to leave you quite certain you would be better off staying in bed. Instead you force yourself out of bed with the shitty rationalization of what's the worse that could happen?
Obviously there are plenty of bad things that could happen. Here is one scenario in particular.What if on your way to work you are car jacked by a penguin who insists that you must take him to the nearest Bartlett pear tree, but guess what you can't recognize a Bartlett pear tree because you have better employed your time by filling out your itunes library and reading celebrity gossip. The penguin, obviously frustrated by your inability to complete this simple task, starts flapping its useless wings in your face making it nearly impossible to drive. Then if that weren't enough you have flashbacks of the Birds and become unduly freaked out by the whole occurrence so you slam on your brakes hoping the penguin flies through the window like in a movies because the cheeky little bastard isn't wearing a seat belt. Of course he doesn't fly through the window because windshields are not so easily broken as they are in movies there is this thing called safety glass. Instead of now being rid of the pesky bird you have an unconscious bird who you have to take to the animal hospital because you feel bad and a cracked windshield. About $5000 dollars later you realize yep, should have stayed in bed.
Don't fuck with me now man, I am Ahab.

Monday, January 5, 2009

A New Year

Another year is upon us and we are all looking forward, well some are probably looking back but that is stupid because you will probably trip and scrape your face on the sidewalk then you will look like a bloody mess for the next couple months or you may walk into a pole, so basically turn around and watch what you are doing. Any way where was I? Oh yes the brand spanking new year still all shiny and pretty none of the grime or pollution stuck to it yet. While we are all still hopeful for a better year than the last I will help that along by a top five list. *pauses for cheering*

Top Five Things to Look Forward to in 2009
5. That website getting more Golden Girls necklaces in stock.
4. Joyfully watching as impossible expectations are not met
3. My thoughts, of course
2. Flying apples
1. Friday the 13th! the movie not the actual day though since the movie comes out on the actual day perhaps I do mean the day as well.
Blog Design by Imagination Designs all images from the Scare Dee Doo kit by Irene Alexeeva