Friday, January 30, 2009

Riddle Me This....

Who doesn't want to go on a Golden Girl's themed road trip to see the biggest ball of yarn and Dollywood? Heeeelllooooo----- AWESOME.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Magic 8 Ball

The magic 8 ball has been one of the best inventions in the 20th century. It has taken away the need to make decisions about unimportant questions by offering you the question cosmic response. Will I eat dinner tonight. Outlook is good. See it knows all and is ambiguous enough to bullshit its way through most questions.
I have a suggestion for a new magic 8 ball. In a perfect world this magic 8 ball would be filled with vodka, everyone needs a pick me up now and then, and the answers would be meat themed.
For example.
Will I have dinner tonight? Answer: Where's the beef.
Other possible answers
I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.
Get your jive turkey ass out of here
Give the wee little man some corned beef.
The answer my friend is flowers and sausages


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The road to free drinks

First a smile...then your soul.

Awkward is my middle name

Highlights of my weekend

-3D horror movies with super hot Jensen Ackles
-Being sent a free drink and then being promised to yet another waiter in the hopes of free cheese dip by someone who can speak another language that I cannot speak therefore could not stop the transaction from taking place.
-Surround sound
-Awkward moments sent down from the roof.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Yay Scary!

So starting last Friday up until at least February 13th there is one scary movie after another coming out, not to mention that Supernatural restarted last night with an episode that completely skeeved me out in the best possible way. In honor of the epic amounts of violence and horror I get to watch in the coming weeks I give you the 5 most individually creepy scenes in movies ever.
5. The squeal like a pig scene in Deliverance (yes it is not a horror movie but that scene haunts every person who has ever seen that movie)
4. Reagan in the Exorcist with the cross. Nasty.
3. Michael Meyers attacking Laurie Strode in the closet in Halloween.
2. The guy in Seven that died from sloth but wasn't quite dead yet.
1. Jack Torrence tormenting his wife on the stairs in the Shining. Give me the bat (then the thing with the tongue)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

What the Deuce?

Holy hell. I am watching American Idol tonight and the auditions in KC because apparently I sort of know someone that is supposed to be on it. I have a few questions.
-Do these people not own a mirror?
-Who goes on tv like this?
-Even if they cannot hear how badly they are singing don't they have friends who will tell them?" Or better yet talk them out of it.
- Why do people keep singing when the judges tell them they suck? Do they really think that they will like them more if they listen to more? Does the sound of nails on a chalkboard get better?
-And finally why are you crying?

Friday, January 9, 2009

Things that make you go hmmmm.

I was thinking about the movies I used to watch as a kid this afternoon and you know what it explains a lot about why I am like I am. Can someone who grew up watching horribly cheesy horror movies (Monkey Shines, Witchboard, The Fly, etc.) not come into adulthood a little off beat, afraid of clowns, and with a deep love for cheese.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Goodbye Cruel World

I was fired from life today during lunch. You may wonder what horrible offense I have committed to be removed from the land of the living.(Even if you don't you are going to find out)

Was it my unquenchable desire to share every remotely humorous story with everyone I

Was it because of jealousy of my perfectly sharp and able mind? Sadly no.

Is it an incurable case of phung :-)? Nope.

Apparently not liking salt was enough to do it. To come back I will have to take a journey through bat country. During my journey through bat country I will meet C. Dick and I will watch him run. Then I will surely meet up with Roland Doobie and spend some quality time with him while he makes me draw portraits of my thumbs. Only to cap off my journey at Sammy's Salty Shack, where I will be forced to eat salt until I like it. It should make for a strange and terrible journey full of ironic torments and sardonic witticisms.

Wish me luck,

I am Ahab.

Give My Regards to Soul and Romance

Hello folks in blog world,
How the hell are you. From time to time when when I can't think of anything else to write about... ummm I mean when I am feeling generous I like to bring to you the best commercials or products that the industry is offering to us lowly common folk. For example here is a fine advertisement for what I think is a car dealership but maybe not, it could be for chicken costumes that shoot eggs out of the butt. This isn't at all trippy and there is a perfectly good reason that red headed woman has a mustache that would make Tom Selleck envious I am sure.

Have you ever wondered where single farmers go to meet one another when they tire of the livestock... no, well me either, but as the commercial points out City folks just don't get it.

The age old question "Who is Mr. Stinkypants has finally been answered.

I found the best after the holiday present a girl could want. It is the magical Dirty Dancing Workout video. Yes it may be 18 years too late but you can learn to dance like Baby and Johnny, but can you be as dramatic? No body puts Baby in the corner or confuses this dvd with the Do You Love Me- Dirty Dancing Fitness Salsa.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I am Ahab

Do you ever have those days. You wake up and are immediately hit with the knowledge that it is going to be one of those days. Everything is a bit off kilter. Not so much to drive you to drink dish water, but enough to leave you quite certain you would be better off staying in bed. Instead you force yourself out of bed with the shitty rationalization of what's the worse that could happen?
Obviously there are plenty of bad things that could happen. Here is one scenario in particular.What if on your way to work you are car jacked by a penguin who insists that you must take him to the nearest Bartlett pear tree, but guess what you can't recognize a Bartlett pear tree because you have better employed your time by filling out your itunes library and reading celebrity gossip. The penguin, obviously frustrated by your inability to complete this simple task, starts flapping its useless wings in your face making it nearly impossible to drive. Then if that weren't enough you have flashbacks of the Birds and become unduly freaked out by the whole occurrence so you slam on your brakes hoping the penguin flies through the window like in a movies because the cheeky little bastard isn't wearing a seat belt. Of course he doesn't fly through the window because windshields are not so easily broken as they are in movies there is this thing called safety glass. Instead of now being rid of the pesky bird you have an unconscious bird who you have to take to the animal hospital because you feel bad and a cracked windshield. About $5000 dollars later you realize yep, should have stayed in bed.
Don't fuck with me now man, I am Ahab.

Monday, January 5, 2009

A New Year

Another year is upon us and we are all looking forward, well some are probably looking back but that is stupid because you will probably trip and scrape your face on the sidewalk then you will look like a bloody mess for the next couple months or you may walk into a pole, so basically turn around and watch what you are doing. Any way where was I? Oh yes the brand spanking new year still all shiny and pretty none of the grime or pollution stuck to it yet. While we are all still hopeful for a better year than the last I will help that along by a top five list. *pauses for cheering*

Top Five Things to Look Forward to in 2009
5. That website getting more Golden Girls necklaces in stock.
4. Joyfully watching as impossible expectations are not met
3. My thoughts, of course
2. Flying apples
1. Friday the 13th! the movie not the actual day though since the movie comes out on the actual day perhaps I do mean the day as well.
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