Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Melvin and the Tears of Doom

Once upon a time back when people used Bakelite radios there lived a man named Melvin Osterlump. Melvin cried often and for no apparent reason. When he saw people get hurt, he cried, when he saw people come together, he cried. He cried so much that from his eyes down his cheeks you could almost see rivets from the path the tears most often took. Melvin had problems keeping friends because of his unfortunate crying, this also made him cry. No women would even look at him, this made him cry as well. He had to use plastic pillow cases because his tears continued even as he slept. One day Melvin was crying down the street when he ran into a little old bag lady. The woman fell over and Melvin cried harder. He tried to help her up by his hands where too wet from his tears. The lady struggle to her dirty feet and glared at Melvin. At this Melvin started sobbing. The lady slowly reached into her bag and pulled out a mysterious powder Melvin never saw because his tears were too heavy. She pinched a bit of the powder into her palm and blew it in his face. It was like a miracle he could feel the tears resending. In moments he had stopped crying and didn't think he could cry even if he wanted to . He was so happy he hugged the women and thanked her then walked away. Melvin was on top of the world but as he walked he felt like his skin was tightening around him. It was horrible the worst headache he had ever had. Melvin managed to stumble into a bathroom. He leaned against the sink and looked in the mirror. Melvin was speechless when he saw the tiny head on the great big body staring back at him.
From that day on Melvin never cried again, but others cried when they saw poor Melvin and his shrunken head.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Princess Liz and Kim back again!

Once upon a time in a land of windmills there lived two princesses. Princess Kimmie Kim Kim Ka Choo and Princess Liz. One day P.K was walking down a little dirt path on her way to a sunny meadow with flowers and rainbows and all sort of bedazzled items. On her journey she ran into her good friend and drinking buddy P.L.
"Why hello kitty!" P. L said brightly. "How are you this fine afternoon?"
P.K. shrugged her shoulders. "I have the late afternoon work doldrums. So I decided to go to that meadow with all the girly crap and make fun of the mindless followers. And maybe buy a bedazzled Neil Diamond t-shirt."
"Oh that sound like fun I think I heard they are bedazzling smurfs today. I guess that legislation has not gone through yet. Poor little blue men. I would have thought they would have won enough money in that lawsuit against the blue man group for stealing their premise to stop this from happening."
"Yeah, I agree. I think the last straw was when Paris Hilton started carrying them in giant purses. Just so wrong. They may be tiny and blue, but damn it they have feelings too."
"God I could use some wine."
"You are my life now. I mean that I do. That sounds much better than those happy skittle shitting people. We can make fun of them after the winery."
"Only if there is the promise of bear claws."
"Yes of course. I will even feng shui you house if I am drunk enough."
"Oh no, I don't think so I remember what happened last time. You brought Steven Seagall back with you and he broke nearly every piece of my furniture proving that he was not past his prime. Some people can just not handle their jager."
"I promise no Steven Seagull this time. Besides he is in no condition to make it I think he got a hernia threw your couch from the balcony."
"What a tool bag."
"He is indeed a tool bag."
P.K and P.L laughed and continued to reminiscence the rest of the way to the winery.
The end.

Even the best laid plans...

So I am a fairly unabashed horror movie fan. I don't hide it, it isn't a secret... I simply love horror movies. It is a childhood thing. Some people watched Disney, I watched Nightmare on Elm Street.
My all time favorite horror movie is Halloween. Hands down the best one in my opinion: to be clear I am talking about the old John Carpenter movie not the Rob Zombie monstrosity of a movie. Anyway back on target, I had a friend of like mind growing up who watched all of these blood bath movies with me. Throughout the 25 years we have known each other that hasn't stopped we still go see these movies together.
Tonight was supposed to be Halloween 2 night. Yes I think Rob Zombie is a horrible director. Yes, I think he is single-handedly trying to ruin the best super villain of all time... but nevertheless I had every intention of see a movie I have exceedingly low expectations for two reasons. One, it is a scary movie and Two, it is Halloween! Imagine my surprise when I discover today that it is already out of theaters. What the what? Seriously. It has been out for what, two weeks. Was it that bad? I mean that exceeds even my expectation of horribleness. Now I am all geared up for a horror movie marathon sort of night and all I am left with is Sorority Row. I mean seriously people, Sorority Row. Ughhh
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