Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Never judge a show by its network...

I will admit I am not always fair to some tv shows. I am notorious for not giving a show a chance if I am not sold by the preview for the show or the cast. Actually this year two such shows have been brought to my attention. Both shows were/are exceptionally well done and if I am being completely fair I would say the biggest thing they had going against them was the network they were/are on. I am not a huge fan of the CW formerly known as the WB, but my mind may be changing. Both shows have amazing writing and cast members. I would put these two shows up against any network show any day of the week. Are you ready to find out which two shows could have initiated enough of a reaction in me to cause me to blog about them. Hmmmm? Is the suspense killing you?

The first one that caught my attention was Supernatural. I watched the season premiere this past fall because nothing else was one. Holy smokes it was awesome. I immediately invested in the other seasons and after catching up in record time, I think I can safely put them in the Addiction category. It has everything I love in a tv show or movie. It is basically like a really well written hour long horror movie every week. Though the show has plenty of comedy and drama the underlying theme of each episode is always some monster or supernatural being that has to be dealt with. The two main characters have fantastic chemistry as the brothers Winchester and on top of that they are both pretty much smoking hot, so really I don't actually understand how I could have not watched this from the start. Grey's who?
"And on Thursdays we are Teddy Bear doctors."

The second show is Veronica Mars, which I am very sad to report to you was cancelled. I am still catching up on the three seasons of this show but it is fast-paced, witty, engaging, and brilliantly executed. The story lines surrounding this small California town of Neptune are edgy and mysterious. I would say it is Twin Peaks meets Nancy Drew with a hint of Buffy. The actors own their roles and again the chemistry between characters is out of this world. Not to mention some awesome guest stars including Kevin Smith, Joss Wheton, George Michael and Maebe from Arrested Development (I can't remember their real names), Leighton Meister, and Steve Gutenberg along with a slew of other people I would name if I had all the time in the world.
"Nobody likes a blond in a hamster ball."

Monday, December 29, 2008

States of tv/movie like

States of tv/movie like (from least to most)

-Hate- you find it to be obnoxious. In fact it irritates you to think about it or to hear others discuss it. You be happy if the show or the movie would disappear forever. When you meet others who admit to watching this monstrosity you think less of them for it.

-Dislike- You don't like the show but it really does not torment you. You would be perfectly happy if you never saw it again but you do not think less of people who watch it.

-Disgust- This is a category for the shows that intellectually disgust you and that you know are absolutely horrible, but if you catch them on you will sit down and watch. Train wrecks. You can feel you IQ dropping, but you watch anyway.

-Dirty Little Secret- This is the show you actually sort of like, but you keep it hidden from others because you are worried they will judge you as you would judge others who watch this show if you weren't too busy watching it.

-Ambivalent- The show you don't care about one way or another. If you catch it on a night in which you have nothing else to do you will watch it, but all in all you would never seek out the program. It isn't an embarrassment to you, you just don't care about it at all.

-Like- You enjoy the show. It is not one you have to keep secret, but it also doesn't make your favorite tv show list. Basically you watch it because it is on and it holds your interest. If it were to go off it wouldn't really have am impact on you.

-Infatuation- You absolutely love this show for a short period of time. Perhaps they have an arc you like or something else that really grabs your attention for a few episodes, but in the end it holds up to the infatuation title. It just cannot live up to the expectations you have set for it. You start seeing each other less and less until you only think back fondly of it in passing.

-Dedication- These are the shows you are dedicated to. The shows you make a point to watch each week and actually try to keep up with what is going on in their story lines. It would make you sad if the show went off, but in time another show would come to take its place.

-Addiction- This is by far a more rare category. These shows simply take over your life. You want to know everything there is to know about the show. You seek out information when you are not watching the show. You have trouble maintaining conversations without bringing in up in subtle or not so subtle ways. Everything begins and ends here. It completes you. Love these shows while you can because if history teaches us anything it is that nothing lasts forever.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

An Open Letter


Dear Driver of the Grey Cherokee SUV behind me on my way home,

I am very happy for you that you have 4 wheel drive on your huge gas guzzling vehicle, I am sure you are not over compensating for something despite the rumors. You are SO lucky to be able to drive 80 miles per hour in snow and ice too bad you have to be on the street with other people, that must really suck. This leads me to my point...

You are an asshole! Let me point out two little things to you. One, 4 wheel drive will not help you on black ice jackass, and two even if you maintain control on that monstrosity of a vehicle there is no guarantee that the person who you are tailgating will kept control of THEIR car and the last thing they need is to be hit by you.

Next, I would like to make it clear to you what will happen if you hit me while you are being such a asshat. First, I will stab you with each piece of glass from my windows if they break. They will be small stab wounds considered that cars all come with safety glass but let me assure you I am patient even to stab you with each and every piece hopefully scarring you for life. Next I would like to break your fingers to inflict pain on you for not obeying the rules of the road. I am confident that these sanctions will teach you a much needed lesson about tailgating people in ice.

Merry Christmas,


Monday, December 22, 2008


A poem to bitterly cold weather

Oh the weather outside is frikkin' cold
Making the walk from my car to the building is less than delightful
I am glad I am not a toad
Living outside would be frightful

The weather makes my feel bitter and cold
just like your mother
With that said before we are too old
I am going to tell everyone you went to prom with your brother!

Merry frikkin Christmas
with more than a little sass.

Sunday, December 21, 2008


James Bond and Jack Bauer ever teamed up it would be a force unlike anything the world had ever seen.
On a side note have you noticed they have the same initials...them and Jim Beam who has been known to knock plenty of full grown burly men on their ass. I'm just saying... coincidence...maybe

Crystal Meth

Would you rather have a serious crystal meth addiction...OR... sing karaoke at Peppers?Meh... tomato to-mat-o.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Man Pain

What is is about angsty guys that that is so completely hot? Take a cup of angst add, it to about 4 cups of repressed pain and guilt, and sprinkle some good intentioned pride over the top and you have a man that is irresistible to all women. The problem is that the 80's petition for sensitive men made them into whiners. Apparently we should have been more specific. We want you to have feelings and emotions so you can repress them and be angsty.

Top five angsty men of 2008:
1. Bruce Wayne/Batman (Christian Bale)- Super hot. Besides for that stupid Rachel girl who wouldn't want to have the caped crusader by her side kicking people's asses left and right.

2. Edward Cullens (Robert Pattinson)- No I am not a Twilight girl but I did read the books and well let's face it that is one angsty vampire kid...or old man in a kid's body, but you know that just sounds dirty so I am going with kid. Anywho... he is all full of hot brooding and pain, got to love it. In fact the girls love it so much thousands of teenagers have been stricken with mental illness revolving around wanting that poor man to bite them.

3. Dean Winchester (Jensen Ackles)- He is the epitome of angst mixed with oh so much hotness. He can be a smart ass one second and the next he is near tears because he feels so much. His brother has some angst too but there can be only one Winchester on this list and Dean has it in the bag.

4. Jack Bauer (Keiffer Sutherland)- So he only had one little 24 special on this year, but it was enough. It was full of self-hatred and pain, but his good intentions and honorable nature always winning out in the end.

5. Patrick Jane (Simon Baker)- Ok so this one is the best at putting on a lot bravado to hide his inner pain, but we have caught a glimpse of it on a couple episodes. It is no wonder the Mentalist is such a hit when they have perfectly placed angst.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

"Scurvy schiester bastards, I am a doctor of Journalism. "

1. The best reason to avoid Mexico at Christmas time...Evil take its vacation there. "Each year in Mexico, hundreds of clowns make a religious pilgrimage to Guadalupe Basilica to cleanse their masked souls"

2. Nothing says "Thank you for being a friend" like a Golden Girls necklace.

3. Pale people are less whorish than people who tan. It's science. ;-)

4. Movies about high school students have been on a steady decline since the 80's. In the 80's they didn't dumb down the students, they fought again stereotyping, kids had problems that were not ever resolved, etc. All in all the movies represented life. Then in the 90's they had some decent high school movies but no where near the John Hughes caliber of films. Now what do they have? Annoying shit, Zac Efron, and Gossip Girl (which I sort of like but it certainly doesn't show the diversity of the American teenager). I wonder do the films represent the current generation? Is this a dumbing down of America or has the future generation never made it out of the shallow end of the pool?

"Dear Mr. Vernon, We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain... and an athlete... and a basket case... a princess... and a criminal... Does that answer your question?
... Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club."

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Come On You Fiend

Crazy drivers are out in full force. When I say crazy I do not mean they are wearing hula skirting and smelling like cheese crazy, but more along the lines of they moving at extreme speeds (either fast or slow), they pull out in front of you, slam on their brakes, run red lights, and generally deserve to be cut. These drivers are drawn to my car. They see me driving down the street they do their best to get in way and piss me off. I am going to start carrying pizza rolls to chuck at them whenever I encounter these holiday spirit suckers. The roll will splatter across their window like a bag of Cheezits as it falls from the very top shelf of the vending machine (because the vending machine company is run by anti-Cheezit Commie bastards) and it will then force them to pull their stupid ass over and hopefully freeze to death because they do not have the benefit of being a penguin. Not to mention I will always have a tasty treat on hand.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A letter to Mother Nature

To: mothernaturewillfyouup@gmail.com
From: genehackmankickyourass@gmail.com

December 16, 2008

Re: Stupid ass weather

Dear Ms. Mother Nature,

Let me start with DAMN IT. Second, I would like to inquire, what the hell are you doing? Obviously, this is letter is intended as a formal complaint against the weather situation in Columbia, Missouri, USA, Earth, the Universe, etc.

I imagine this current weather tangent is do to some oversight on your part. Let me lay out the particulars for you. Sunday 12/14/08 it was 60 degrees, though a bit cloudy and rainy. 60 degrees! This temperature held steady until about 4pm, then it started to drop. This is an understandable chain of events as it is December and it is not normal to have 60 degree weather in Missouri this time of year. It does, however, expose you for a sick and twisted bitch to tease us with a little warmth then take it away, but not only was it taken away. We were then doused in water and thrown in the damn freezer. Yes, I am sure you had a grand laugh watching all of us poor bastards slip and slide our way into work bright and early Monday morning. Monday stayed cold so that none of the ice would melt, you must have really enjoyed your joke. Then this morning we wake up to what? An entire day of snow and sleet (aka wintery mix). Well that is just uncalled for. I mean of all the low, rotten, backstabbing, monkey shit things to do.

Now I have looked at the forecast for the rest of the week and I have to wonder, how do you sleep at night? Good day to you....I said goodday!

Kiss my ass,


Monday, December 15, 2008

Just wait until you see the bats

The Burger King mascot, the Burger King, is frightening. Period. He is the sort of tv personality that haunts the dreams of children and adults alike. He is like something out of the most terrifying horror movie ever made. Imagine an over head voice "He watches you sleep, finds you in stores, is outside of your window, he is… the Burger King. He clogs your arteries and fries you in grease. He has it... his way." Cue evil music.
Of course my entire life I have been frightened of people who hide behind masks. I like to think back to what can affectionately be referred to as the "Tasmanian Devil incident". Picture this cute little toddler version of me being pushed in a stroller by mom and dad at a theme park, when this hideous beast dressed up as a WB character comes up and starts harassing me (by this I mean offering me a flower). I did what any normal well adjusted child would do I immediately became hysterical at the offer of gifts from this hairy stranger.
Don't even get me started on clowns…

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Reason #23 Why I Like Movies

Problems are resolved, fights are fought, people rebell... by dancing. No one puts Baby in the corner.

Friday, December 12, 2008

What the Deuce David Cook.

Hello all of you in blog universe, I come in peace.

A year or two ago I started a myspace page because I was told it was all the rage amongst my peers. If was fine, but I never really got it. I used it mostly to follow music I liked. Then last year was the very first year I had ever watched American Idol (I know, I know cheesy craptastic show, curses writer's strike but I totally supported you). I was more surprised than anyone that I actually got into it. This was in no small part to Jason Castro for his Jack Johnson like music. But there was another contestant, one David Cook. Now Cookie was never my number one pick until the top three, because I was loyal to Castro.
Honestly Cookie mostly had my attention due to the fact he was from Missouri (I like to support all those from Missouri), his music was fine, but not entirely my thing. Anyway back to my point I became friends with him and Castro on their official Myspace Music pages. After I was his friend there was a bulletin send from him inviting all of us to be his facebook friend as well. So I became his friend, yay facebook. I never actually looked at his page or paid much attention. I would see the updates or pictures come through the News Feed daily, they were sort of cool, but again for the most part I ignored them. Until now. They are gone. David Cook has disappeared from Facebook. Not a word of explanation all of a sudden his whole page has gone missing like Waldo in a stripped sweater convention.

While I was never an active participant, I think I grew accustomed to his face. Fare the well Cookie. Fare the well. ;-)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Whatever happened to...

Roller skating. Roller Skating used to be the bees knees. It freaking rocked. You could uncontrollably fly around the rink in an unsafe chaotic speeds with your ankles turning left and right. Running into walls, people, and trying desperately to cling to the railing as you go. Bon Jovi's "Shot Through the Heart" is blaring through the radio and you realize this is it. This is the youth everyone tells me are the best days of my life the days you can never get back.
I say nonsense to that. Get those days back. Go roller skating, listen to Bon Jovi, just remember when you fall now it will hurt a lot more than you ever remember and when you turn your ankle it will hurt for at least two months. But most importantly remember that we do have one thing going for us now that we didn't have then, and that is alcohol. The more you drink the more delayed you response to the pain will be.
So go be merry, drink obnoxiously, and roller skate!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12900 (Ronan / Lake County)

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly. It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop. This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is). No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once. It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man. My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore. There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo. Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash. To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants. Rock on.

Christmas Cheer

Normally I am anti-Christmas holidays, convention of anykind... but this year I am taking a new approach to the "season". Here is my list of the best five things about the holiday season.

1. Gaudiness- This is the only time of year you can seriously dec out your house and yourself in every hideously sparkly, bright, glittery objects you can lay you little hands on. There is no such thing as too much, because the more over board you are the more Christmas spirit others will think you have. Any other time of year you risk people mistaking you for a drag queen.

2. People make cookies...lots of cookies and offer to give them to you for free. Hey, there is nothing wrong with that!

3. Holiday tv. Whether we are talking about 24 hours of A Christmas Story or A Very Supernatural Christmas, I like the holiday tv specials because I can always find something to watch on tv.

4. Yelling "Santa!!!!!! I know him" as you walk past the Santa display in the mall at the top of your lungs.

5. Christmas Parties. They provide blackmail material for years to come.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

We are Ahab...

Once upon a time (or something like that) six people with not a much in common besides a long and rock hard....friendship met in a rural remote location to take part in a ritual that would provide further strength to the uncanny bond between them. The bond began being forged over a decade ago. At times it was no more than mere strings that held them together but throughout the course of time those strings began to multiply with each new memory, embarrassment, trial, blackmail, inside joke and tribulation. At this particular moment in time the strings better resembled a thickly braided rope connecting each unlikely life to the next.

Our adventure takes place on a blustery stormy night where almost as a right of passage their friends met in a haunted Bed and Breakfast. Muhahahahahaha (lights flicker and shadows pass by). The friends check into the Dead and Breakfast. The attendant is a blond woman with dead eyes and a vacant smile. She lurks behind them everywherere she goes followed closely by Ike who much like his name sake is ready to bitch slap any of these Tinas.

Seeking refuge from the abusive dog and the Igor like employee our fine heroines seek refuge at a local eating establishment. They are met with... duh duh duhhhhhhhhhh.... lost reservations, caked on make up and penciled on eyebrows. What kind of freak show had they stumbled upon? Who were these people and why didn't they own any mirrors? Strange men with accents surrounded their table enticing them to sing and trying to trade for the virtue of some of the "ladies".Several of the "ladies" were tricked into drinking their tasty concoction called a margarita by a woman who was undoubtedly their leader. The member of the group of girls who could best understand what was happening was Leslie whom they befuddled with a margarita as big as her head and bombones. Eventually they "ladies" made a clean escape.

They travelled back to where they knew they must go. They listened to inspirational music that would help them make it through the night. "I'm a cowboy, on a steal horse I ride because I'm wanted...Dead or Alive. Now I walk these streets with a six string on my back, I'm playing for keeps because I might not make it back. I been everywhere, still I'm standing tall. I've seen a million faces and I've rocked them all." They pulled up to the house the windows watching them like a lion to it's prey. The air pops with electricity and tension. Then rang the door bell and waited for Igor. They steadily marched to their room in a single file line giggling nervously.

The rest of the events of the evening become hazy especially for some. There may have been or may not have been alcohol, change, boots, truffle shuffles, sex swings, bubble ghosts, a salt shaker, choking, crackers, giggling, French onion dip and honkies. But we will never know for sure. All we do know is that at five FUCKING thirty they were all awoken by endless and relentless talking. Chatter, chatter, chatter. Did they beat the chatty Cathy with a pillow case full of soap? No. They did, however, threaten with bompires and teabagging her drum set.

The innkeeper was surprise to see them alive the next morning, which she made clear to the guests by dressing the orange juice up as a bandit. Also by the grave digger companionship she kept under the guise of a housekeeper. The ladies were lucky to make it out alive and with little more than a headache to show for their night in the DEAD AND BREAKFAST. MUhahahhahahahaha.

The End

Monday, December 8, 2008

Fear and Loathing Guide to Life part 2

Where I Live: Safety. Obscurity. Just another freak, in the freak kingdom.

Making a Purchase: Let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?

How to spot a drug user: Know your dope fiend. You will not be able to see his eyes because of tea shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim.

To keep from answering a question: Don't fuck with me now, man, I am Ahab.

Caught with a knife: Who said anything about slicing you up, man? I just wanted to carve a little Z on your forehead.

Don't make rash decisions: There's a uh, big machine in the sky, some kind of, I dunno, electric snake, coming straight at us. Shoot it. Not yet, I want to study its habits.

KPLA: What kind of rat bastard psychotic would play that song right now, at this moment? (hahahahaha sorry I couldn't resist)

Making friends: PLEASE. Tell me about the fucking golf shoes.

Parking guide lines: You can't park your car here. Why not? Is this not a reasonable place to park? Reasonable? You're on a sidewalk! This is the sidewalk!

Awareness of your surroundings: Cows are gonna kill me. Bisexuals are gonna kill me. Let's get out of here, where's the elevator?

Elevators: No, fuck! Don't go near the elevator man, that's just what they want us to do. Trap us in a steel box, take us down to the basement. Come here. Don't run, man. They'd like any excuse to shoot us.

Piss of a Catholic: Dogs fucked the Pope... no fault of mine.

Parent teacher's conference ice breaker: You people voted for Hubert Humphrey, and you killed Jesus.

Being sensitive to differences: My attorney understands this concept, despite his racial handicap. But do you?

Recognize your enemies: Jesus! You see what God just did to us, man? God didn't do that, you did it. You're a fucking narcotics agent, I knew it!

What happens when you see Santa Claus: You'll go blind... your body will turn to wax... they'll have to put you in a wheelbarrow... and when you scream for help, you'll sound like a raccoon.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

About Last Night

One bottle of wine, 5 jello shot, and a 16oz margarita sucked all the moisture out of my brain leaving it dry and bitter...like your MOM!!!!! hahahahahaha

Friday, December 5, 2008

Weekend Follies

Let me take you on a journey through time and space. Where mental barriers are crossed by middle aged liquor store employees. Impossibly attractive men give you jello shots out of syringes leaving you questioning: was he real? Will he come back? Was that a figment of my imagination induced by the insane combined total of alcohol consumption? A world in which someone can come up to you and say "Hey honkies. You guys wanna buy some heroin?"...well maybe not maybe it was closer to "Does anyone have a blunt." Strange memories held in a fog of hazy consciousness. Had it been months...years...But no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch the events that took place. Were there midgets? Was I a fashion designer? What happened? Where is the jello shot guy that dances to Macho Man (muscle arm muscle arm thrust pose muscle arm muscle arm thrust pose) on the edge of my mind?
Write this down.
I will impart upon you the vast knowledge I have come away with. There are too few nubs in world, breakfast in meant to have alcohol involved, it is quite easy to accidentally end up in East St. Louis, you should never quit anything before you are 40 and then it is a ten year process, I may put the "k" in class but you need someone who can put the ass in it, look there’s a dogwood, people lie when they want you to make a u-turn, and families everywhere have their own baggage that they are more than happy to share with complete strangers while they are secretly smoking with their cousins.
Again I leave you with a little fear and loathing "And that, I think, was the handle - -that sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn’t need that. Our energy would simply prevail. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in St. Louis and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark - that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back."

Thursday, December 4, 2008

A Fear and Loathing Guide to Life- Part 1

A Fear and Loathing Guide to Life:

Who should drive: You drive. You drive. I think there's something wrong with me

Want to leave the bar, party, family reunion- I hate to say this, but this place is getting to me. I think I'm getting the fear

Less or More: One toke? You poor fool! Wait till you see those goddamn bats

When asked if you plan to have babies: One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.

Sage Advice: One of the things you learn from years of dealing with drug people, is that you can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug. Especially when it's waving a razor-sharp hunting knife in your eye.

How was your weekend?: Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Has it been five years? Six? It seems like a lifetime, the kind of peak that never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time and place to be a part of. But no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time in the world. Whatever it meant.

Did you miss me?: There was madness in any direction, at any hour. You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning.

How you feel about your ex: With a bit of luck, his life was ruined forever. Always thinking that just behind some narrow door in all of his favorite bars, men in red woolen shirts are getting incredible kicks from things he'll never know.

Ice breaker: Look, there's two women fucking a polar bear!

Bible discussions: 'Jesus, what a terrible thing to lay on someone with a head full of acid'

Need to get rid of someone quick: That bastard cashed a bad cheque downstairs and gave you as a reference. They'll be looking for both of you. Yeah I know. You can't judge a book by it's cover... some people are just basically rotten. Well the last thing in the world you want to do is call this hotel again. They'll trace the call and put you straight behind bars. Yeah I'm moving to the tropicana right away... when I get a room I'll let you know which one it is... I gotta get off. They probably have this phone tapped baby... Yeah I know it's horrible but it's all over now.

Door bell rings: Oh my God... there's someone at the door. There's someone at the door!

Don't want to have sex: Ahh! Ahh! Don't put that thing on me! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! aaah... aah... ah...

Messing with people's heads: We know what you're up to man.

Need to make a sale: Hey honkies. You folks wanna buy some heroin? Goddamnit, I'm serious. All I'm trying to sell you is some pure fucking smack! This is the real stuff! You won't get hooked. I just got back from Vietnam. Ahahaha... scag! Pbbbbbbb... I wanna sell you some pure fucking smack... pure... fuck...

Start a Fight: Come on you fiend!

Getting someone out of the bathroom: You're doomed. I'm leaving here in two hours and then they're going to come up here and beat the mortal shit out of you with big saps. Right there in that fucking tub.

Hotel room review: When I came to, the general back-alley ambience of the suite was so rotten, so incredibly foul. How long had I been lying there? All these signs of violence. What had happened? There was evidence in this room of excessive consumption of almost every type of drug known to civilized man since 1544 AD. What kind of addict would need all these coconut husks and crushed honeydew rinds? Would the presence of junkies account for all these uneaten french fries? These puddles of glazed ketchup on the bureau? Maybe so. But then why all this booze? And these crude pornographic photos smeared with mustard that had dried to a hard yellow crust? These were not the hoofprints of your average God-fearing junky. It was too savage. Too aggressive.

Excuse to miss an event: I have to go. Leave the country. Tonight. This is serious. One more hour in this town and I'll kill somebody!

Appropriate zoo or mall question: Holy Jesus. What are these goddamn animals?

Being pulled over by a police man: Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. A normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow. But he won't know what to make of your blinker signal that says you are about to turn right. This is to let him know you're pulling off for a proper place to talk. It will take him a moment to realize that he's about to make a 180 degree turn at speed, but you will be ready for it. Brace for the g's, and fast heel-toe work.

What to pack for a weekend trip: We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get into locked a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.

Change the subject: No more of that talk or I'll put the fucking leeches on you, understand?

Making introducitons: I want you to understand that this man at the wheel is my attorney. He's not just some dingbat I found on the strip, man. He's a foreigner. I think he's probably Samoan. But that doesn't matter, though, does it? Are you prejudiced?

Prayer: You better take care of me, Lord. If you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.

To begin every sentence: As your attorney, I advise you
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