Where I Live: Safety. Obscurity. Just another freak, in the freak kingdom.
Making a Purchase: Let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?
How to spot a drug user: Know your dope fiend. You will not be able to see his eyes because of tea shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim.
To keep from answering a question: Don't fuck with me now, man, I am Ahab.
Caught with a knife: Who said anything about slicing you up, man? I just wanted to carve a little Z on your forehead.
Don't make rash decisions: There's a uh, big machine in the sky, some kind of, I dunno, electric snake, coming straight at us. Shoot it. Not yet, I want to study its habits.
KPLA: What kind of rat bastard psychotic would play that song right now, at this moment? (hahahahaha sorry I couldn't resist)
Making friends: PLEASE. Tell me about the fucking golf shoes.
Parking guide lines: You can't park your car here. Why not? Is this not a reasonable place to park? Reasonable? You're on a sidewalk! This is the sidewalk!
Awareness of your surroundings: Cows are gonna kill me. Bisexuals are gonna kill me. Let's get out of here, where's the elevator?
Elevators: No, fuck! Don't go near the elevator man, that's just what they want us to do. Trap us in a steel box, take us down to the basement. Come here. Don't run, man. They'd like any excuse to shoot us.
Piss of a Catholic: Dogs fucked the Pope... no fault of mine.
Parent teacher's conference ice breaker: You people voted for Hubert Humphrey, and you killed Jesus.
Being sensitive to differences: My attorney understands this concept, despite his racial handicap. But do you?
Recognize your enemies: Jesus! You see what God just did to us, man? God didn't do that, you did it. You're a fucking narcotics agent, I knew it!
What happens when you see Santa Claus: You'll go blind... your body will turn to wax... they'll have to put you in a wheelbarrow... and when you scream for help, you'll sound like a raccoon.
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About Me
- Liz Schulte's Blog
- I am a Scorpio. I enjoy long walks on the beach, drinking copious amounts of alcohol, and men in hockey masks. In my spare time I work to foil the plans of my arch nemesis, utilize my eight finger discount, and lecture from my soapbox about social injustices. I do not tolerate fools or like people who make Walmart plural. I judge people who are missing more teeth than they have, unless they are old. I would like to someday be the scary old woman in the neighborhood that all the children are afraid of, however I will be misunderstood and actually a sweet old lady turned bitter by the disappointments of this cruel, cruel life. I will have made my vast wealth telling fortunes under the alias the Mad Madame Mim and selling t-shirts in tourist destinations that say “Life isn’t always flowers and sausages”.
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