Friday, February 27, 2009

Never the Same Again

What started as a bad hair day had just become the worst day of Maggie's life. She sat in her doctor's office lost inside her own mind as he rambled on about operations and getting a handle on this before it got any worse. Once the word "tumor" escaped his lips the good doctor lost his audience of one. She didn't immediately respond instead she sat in a daze waiting. Maggie didn't know what she was waiting for, perhaps she was waiting to wake up or perhaps she was waiting to fall over dead. It didn't really matter now. Now she had a tumor.
"We can fit your surgery in the schedule two weeks from today." the doctor looked at her sympathetically "Do you understand everything I have explained to you Maggie?"
Maggie wondered how he could ask her such a question of course she did not understand. She did not understand how a minor lingering head ache could be a death sentence. She did not understand the words six months at most.
"Six months." she managed to stutter out.
"Only if you do not have the surgery. This is not a death sentence Maggie. Yes your life will change when you have the operation. You will have some trouble with your memory and reasoning, but you can still have a full, independent and complete life."
Maggie couldn't believe the doctor expected her to let him cut out part of her brain. He claimed she could still live a full and complete life just a little bit more stupid. It was easy for him to be so hopeful he wasn't the one who was going to have a chunk of brain removed. Maggie did not want the surgery. Maggie wanted to say no and go home to live out the rest of her small life in peace...
"Ok." she said quietly. She made the arrangements with the doctor and went to her car. She sat in the driver's seat still lost in the hamster maze that was her mind. She didn't want to go home. She didn't want to tell her husband and children that mommy would be a little bit dumber from now on. She didn't want to be a burden to them or to her husband. She wondered briefly if it would be easier or harder on them if she were to elect not to have the surgery.
She felt selfish for even thinking about not wanting to have it but those feelings did not make make her desire any less true. She stopped by McDonalds on her way home and picked up a McFlurry. The drive through employee spoke in jumbled English though she could tell he was born and raised here. He proceeded to mention the fact that he forgot his shoes when coming into work today and had to go home and get them.

"Would this be me? Is this how I will end up?" Maggie thought to herself as she drove home.
Maggie told her husband the news in private. He was more positive and assured that everything would be fine. They would save her and everything would be fine. He didn't seem to understand the fact that everything would most certainly not be fine. They told their children the news together in a mixture of tears and brave words the family united. No one seemed to want to go about their lives after the news was spoken. The family sat around the table looking at one another, the sudden awareness of their own mortality drifting through each person's eyes.
Maggie's husband stood up and walked out of the room. Everyone watched him go but no one said anything. There was nothing left to say. Maggie would be saved but she would never be the same again.
"How about a game night?" Maggie's husband said as he came back into the room holding the Trivial Pursuit box.

The Bar at the End of Lonely St.

It is a cold blustery day in a little town of no consequence to anyone including the people who live there. The wind howled outside of a small bar causing the walls to groan. The bar had long since fallen off the beaten path and saw few patrons, especially on nights like this.
The bartender stood behind the bar leaning against the back counter mindlessly polishing glasses with a dirty bar towel. His attention seemed to be divided between the low hum of the TV and the two women sitting at the bar. The woman named Mona leaned in to speak to her companion as if they were sharing state secrets. Her companion Piper leaned away from her uncomfortable by the intrusion into her space. They were an odd pair. It was obvious that they did not know each other well. Neither lady said much to the other one, mostly they awkwardly sipped their Bacardi and avoided having to speak causing seemingly infinite pauses in their conversation.
Piper began to look around the room out of boredom for something more entertaining then her soft spoken companion whom she had little in common with. Her aware and curious eyes inspected the dingy little room. Pictures were haphazardly placed all over the walls covered by a smoky grime from the years when the bar was less desolate. The few rickety tables and chairs had seen their better days and where marred with juvenile graffiti. A dart board in the corner blinked tiredly giving a strobe effect in the too dim room.
Piper mindlessly fidgeted with the coast that was supposed to be under her drink. She briefly wondered why she had even bothered coming here in the first place. Mona was not really her friend, in fact they hardly knew each other at all. Piper had only met Mona a couple hours earlier when she helped her change her tire in the grocery store parking lot. Mona insisted on buying her a drink and officially welcoming her to their small community. Piper didn't want to go but in a town this small you couldn't afford to burn bridges this soon.
So here they sat two women with nothing in common and no desire to follow through on small talk. A cold draft of air swirled into the bar as the door slammed against the wall grabbing the girl's attention. George walked through the opening with his shoulders hunched against the wind and his hands jammed into his pockets. He nodded to the bartender who began pouring two finger of whiskey neat for him. George sat in a chair in the corner of the room with his back to the wall. His seat provided him with a view of the entire room though he looked no where besides at his own glass.
"Who's that?" Piper whispered to Mona.
"Be careful of that guy." she said in the same soft spoken voice "He is a man with a past."
Piper's mind began racing about all of the sordid details someone could have in their past to warrant a warning such as that. She studied him carefully out of the corner of her eye. He appeared to have not shaven for a few days and his hands were weathered and blunt. His eyes were thin slits under heavy brows and his face worn and tired.
Again the door slammed against the wall and a gust of wind mercilessly rushed through the bar. Another man stepped through the door. Henry wore a jacket that was too light for a night such as this. His face was alert and aware of its surroundings as he too nodded to the bartender and too a seat at the table in the adjacent corner of the room. Henry also placed his back to the wall, but he made no attempted to hide the fact that he was looking around the room as the bartender delivered a two fingers of a 20 year old scotch to him.
"Who's that guy?" Piper again whispered to Mona hoping for more details this time.
"Be careful of that guy too." She said her eyes narrowing slightly as she looked at him "He is a man with no past."
Piper adjusted in her seat so she could see him more clearly. He was somewhat handsome and put together seeming, but a air of falsehood surrounded him. Piper thought he was as fake as his tan, but wondered why he was so intently focused on the man across the room. She discretely looked back over at George. He was no longer looking at his glass of cheap whiskey now his eyes were steadily focused on Henry. The air crackled with electricity and tension and the bar remained deathly quiet besides for the low hum of the TV in the back ground.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Too Funny... Doll Bachelor 8


-I visit my blog, this blog, and am annoyed that it isn't updated, then I remember that I am the one who had to do the updating then I start to feel tired.
-I write bad poetry (because good poetry and I do not get along) and inflict it on my friends. Normally this happens only around their birthdays but any day holds the possibility that they will have to humor my whims. Here is an example or two:
Untitled poem one:
It's your birthday
Well good for you
Here's what to do...
Follow my instructions today

Shout hooray!
Avoid the color blue.
Tie only one shoe
and don't forget to say

Liz is awesome....
Wait that didn't rhyme?!?!?!
What in the hell do you expect from me.
Shut up.

Untitled poem two:
Devin and Kristin
Happy birthday to you.
I hope you get a better present than a mitten
perhaps a trip to the zoo
Now is not the time to be a kitten
though a sexy cat would do.
I am not sure what I have written
besides happy birthday to you.

-There is nothing quite like Missouri weather to keep your sinus's in a constant state of throbbing and stabbing pain. It is amazing we are all not curled in a fetal position with blood coming out of our eyes. If you need me I will be under my desk hiding from the light.

-At some point in your life you meet too many people to remember all of their birthdays, but I find it is a good rule of thumb to send out one mass bcc email to everyone you know saying Who's the birthday person this week. ;-). Notice the winking face makes people think you know it is their birthday and are being cute or if it is not their birthday it makes them think that they have forgotten yours so you get complements and free shit.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Happy Monday.

I had one of those wonderful lazy weekends. It was chalk full of Arrested Development and Friday the 13th movies. I can now safely say
-I am ready for the Arrested Development movie to come out and I am tired of waiting for it. Stop licking my hand you horse's ass.
- The new Friday the 13th is definitely better than the old ones. When I started having A.D overload I would turn on some of my favorite Ft13ths. I watched part 4 and 7 they pale in comparison. Yay new Jason.
- I watched some of the Oscars it was pretty good this year. Hugh Jackman was an excellent host. Any show that has a montage to musicals is golden to me.
- Doing laundry sucks.
-Buffalo chicken pizza is pretty tasty, but not quite made of awesome.
- After a cat rides around under the hood of a car for a couple hours it is exceptionally needy.

Friday, February 20, 2009

This is made of awesome

Follow the link and find out how a weave may save your life. No joke, I am for real. ;-)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Things that are made of awesome this week

My friend Kim and I had an amazing idea yesterday that is completely made of awesome then rolled in awesome and sprinkled with awesome dust. Now because of its unique nature I am not yet prepared to tell you about it, but wait for it. In honor of that though I give a list of other things that are made of awesome this week.

-Animal crackers are made of awesome because they are crackers that taste like cookies. They are an acceptable breakfast food (shut up they are in my world). It is fun to tear them limb from limb.

-Gummy bears are made of awesome. They once again have the tearing limb from limb quality, but you can also stretch them, bite little holes in them, etc. They also come in vitamin form so not only are they highly entertaining but they can be good for you are well. Also there is the added benefit of finding the freak gummy bear that is a Siamese twin (if you were to save them you could start a gummy bear carnival, the possibilities are endless)

-My uncle Bob is made of awesome. I don't have to prove it he just is, so there.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The true ingredients of being made of awesome

A smidgen of Kim, a hint of Liz, a lot of Jack Bauer, a little Friday the 13th, and topped off with a Winchester.

Monday, February 16, 2009

My weekend aka Friday the 13th glory

Well as you may have guessed I did nothing this weekend. Yep didn't see the movie I have been obsessing about for two months. I chose to play jenga with the Parkers' instead... yep that is exactly what happened.
Sucker. No for real I saw the movie two times and will probably go a third time this week. It was everything I had hoped for. I throw back to the classic 80's monster movie. It was wonderfully snarky. It took itself just serious enough to keep it from being a spoof, but at the same time it had no problem soliciting a laugh at its own expense.
The new Jason is freaking awesome! He is more human and less zombie then he has been in 30 years. There was a whole new energy brought to the role which was topped off nicely by plenty of gratuitous violence and sex.
13 victims lent a nice symmetry to the story and no two were the same. From my view point as a big fan of the entire genre I would say it was it met all of my inflated expectations. Jason kicked Valentine's day ass.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Zombie days

Today at lunch I saw a zombie. I knew it was a zombie based on her slow, shuffled walk, blank fresh craving expression, and slacked jaw. I was not scared, mostly because I was in a car pointing at her and she didn't notice. Had I walked past her and she tried to bite me I would have had to whip out the nunchucks I bought on eBay yesterday and kicked some zombie butt. (Of course I do this almost every time a stranger tries to bite me zombie or not...that just isn't sanitary) My sister did not believe it was a zombie (poor naïve girl). She obviously has not watched enough movies or read the Zombie Survival Guide. Luckily I was there to set her straight.

Happy Friday the 13th!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Zombie's Gone Wild

Zombie's Gone Wild is being released this week. Now I know most of you are thinking why should I care about an insignificant movie that was not released nationwide about spring break zombies who are as the title implies wild. That is a very good question and my answer is... Well la-de-da Mr/Ms.Too Good for Zombie Spring Break Movies. What are you going to do when one year you are on spring break and find yourself surrounded by Bartlett Pear trees, which coincidentally smell like swamp ass so will therefore cover the smell of the decaying flesh of the zombies who are about to attack you in your vacation splendor. These cheese hating zombies will chase you around relentlessly until you are forced to turn to the know-it-all person you loathe the most, Pipi. Pipi will have of course seen the movie (therefore he will have the proper tools to defend himself for the Zombie's Gone Wild Attack) and will laugh at you for your foolishness. Pipi being the mean SOB that he is will refuse to help you. There you will be alone on vacation with wild zombies. Now don't you wish you too had watched this "destined to be a classic" movie. GO ahead take a moment and think about it.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Thirteen Reasons Jason can kick Chuck Norris' ass

1. He he was raised by inbreeders grew up after he died underwater and therefore has a natural resistance to bullets, knifes, arrows, axes, fire, drowning, electricity, etc.
2. Can catch people just by walking even when they are running.
3. Has the uncanny ability to hide out in the open even when people are looking for him.
4. He knows who is naughty and nice just like Santa but he doesn't care you are still fair game
5. Is proficient with every weapon ever made and has a knack for turning non weapons into weapons
6. He can squeeze you head so hard you eyes will pop out. Reference Friday the 13th part three.
7. He always minds his mother.
8. He has more lives then Britney Spears has second chances.
9. He doesn't even have to speak, people pee their pants just looking at him.
10. Chuck Norris could rip off his arm and Jason would just beat him to death with it then reattach it no problem
11. Jason would laugh at Chuck round house kick if he could laugh then grab his ankle and beat him against a smiley face carved into a tree until it turns red, his favorite color. See part 6
12. It doesn't matter if Chuck checks under his bed for Jason he will still die probably by an arrow being pushed through the mattress and then throat. See part one.
13. Jason doesn't take American Express, Discover, ro Mastercard. Only Visa bitch... see part 7

13 Things Seeing Friday the 13th can do for you...

1. It can cure back pain
2. Unclog arteries
3. Make you want to watch hockey more
4. Make you want to go camping
5. Make you more open minded to other people's problems
6. Shows you the improper use of tools and hunting equipment
7. Teaches valuable life lessons about the woes of being a whore
8. Gives you that gentle reminder when you are running from someone looking back over your shoulder only slows you down letting them catch up.
9. It has been known to clear up cases of colds, flu, influenza, chronic coughing, scurvy, and shingles
10. Demonstrates proper and improper hide and go seek methods
11. Highlights the dangers of children being unsupervised around water sources
12. Has been approved by the FDA as nutritional substance
13. Studies have found it will increase awareness, digestion, memory, and cognitive skills.

warning: This blog may contain lies... lots and lots of lies.

Monday, February 9, 2009


Ack! Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I know I know it is always the excuses with me. You're smart, I'm dumb. I'm a loser, you're awesome. You complete me and are my life.... am I forgiven yet? Well that is about all the grovelling I have in me so I better be. Ok here is a recap of what you have missed.

T.V, yoga, Friday the 13th, Pinky and the Brain, nieces and nephews, The Uninvited, OMG, Supernatural, Vampire Diaries tv series !?!?!?!, Chris Brown beat up Rhianna WTF, Untitled Book 2, agents, freaking out, celebrating, HOMG, almost cartwheels, evil cheese wheels attacking leaving cheese smudges on my shirts, liar liar pants on fire, backstabbing, cussing, stupid slutbagho being dismissed, snarky comments, sadness, funeral, family, awkward moments, and gravity.


In other news. 5 moe days until the movie event of 2009. There is about a 20% chance I will be disappointed, but that leaves an 80% chance my head will explode from the awesomeness that is Friday the 13th. HOMG the new Jason looked freaking amazing.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Dream a Little Dream

I have had some CRAZY ASS dreams of late that were just completely off the cuff. I will not go into any real details because I still have some pride, albeit not as much as I used to have. Mostly they have left me wondering what is going on in my head and why have all my screws suddenly came loose.
Here are my theories as to why I have crazy dreams one of in which in Spanish (which I do not speak).
-I tried brussel spouts for the first time this weekend...and I liked them
-Alcohol has finally killed the last of my brain cells protecting me from my subconscious.
-My love for messing with other people's minds has finally turned on me like the robots in Terminator.
-Someone is pointing their magnifying glass on me in this great ant farm that is called life.
-I have been too normal these past couple weeks and the crazy has to find a way out. Basically I have sprung a leak.
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