Sunday, December 4, 2011

How to Survive a Horror Movie Part 2

Back before Halloween I wrote a post about how to survive should you wake up one morning to find yourself in a horror movie. (Review here) By request I am following this post up with How to Survive a Sequel.

First step in survival is always figuring out what you are dealing with. So how does one identify they are in a horror movie sequel, well that is pretty simple. The first clue is if you just survived a horrific night of senseless slaughtering, you could be ready to start a sequel. If this is the case, you may right now be thanking your lucky stars because you are the main character, but that would be foolish. This is a sequel and the thing with sequels is they are trying to surprise the audience. So you are just as likely the first kill as you are the star. If you didn’t just survive the monster attack you can still be in the movie. Chances are you have heard of said attack or someone will very soon fill you in on it. Whatever the story they tell you is, that is the type of movie you are in. Also note that everyone is much more wooden in the speech and movements, horror movies aren’t the Godfather, the sequels will never even be debatable that  they are better than the originals.

All the rules from the first post still apply. (Be prepared, get a weapon, don’t be dumb, no crying, etc.). You have to assume the action will start right off the bat. There is no time wasted on silly back story or character development. Sequels are about carnage and cheap thrills. So you don’t have time to get your bearings, you just have to be ready.  Rule #1 Be a badass! You’ve learned something from the first movie and that is how to fight or survive. You aren’t a victim you are a touch cookie so don’t be afraid to be awesome.

The killer will be at least three times as hard to kill this time around and honestly he won’t die, I know this, you know this, but we like to think he is dead until part three. Rule #2- When you are thinking of ways to rid yourself of the killer go big or go home in a body bag.  

If at all possible avoid these things: sex, drugs, being unnecessarily mean, being alone, darkness, bathrooms, and strangers. But it doesn’t have to be current sin, it can be your past sins so basically everyone is screwed in this. Rule # 3 hang around the friends who are more sinful than you. Fictional mass murders are attracted to sinners like tornados to trailer parks, you will have time to get away while Jason/Freddy/Michael is getting creative.

Sequels in their quest to distinguish themselves from the original never just settle for more bloodshed and carnage, instead they also go for the twist. Start thinking ahead. Someone with you isn’t what they seem. They are working with the killer in some manner or another. Rule #4 Trust no one. Anyone who says come with me or offers to help out of the goodness of their heart is not to be trusted. I repeat do not trust them. Do not go with them, do not get into their car, head out the door or anything of the sort, just hide.  You may think the advice to hide is a fairly simple suggestion, but apparently it is not. After watching countless horror movies I can see I need to be clearer on this point. Rule #5 Be smarter than a bowl of jello.
Not acceptable hiding places:
Pantries (while yes there is food they never have reliable locks or escape routes)
Louvered closets (really, I mean really?)
Under the bed (They will see you even if they don’t hear your loud gasping crying)
Behind the couch (Are you a five year old playing hide and seek?)
In the car (Too many places for the killer to come through without your knowledge)
Rooms with no escape (They will get in and you will have no escape route. Failure to plan ahead = *Finger across throat*)

All of these hiding places will lead to on one end, you dead and someone else surviving the movie.  Avoid them, tattoo them on your arm if necessary, just don’t go in them. Think bigger. Hiding in large buildings such as schools is a much better plan. Lots of rooms, lots of windows, lots of places to hide, use this to your advantage.

Rule 6 Stay in the pack. Sure you can’t trust any of them, but the more people you keep around you the more people to distract the killer. Rarely can they kill everyone when they pop up so just be ready for that and run when they do then hide in a non-stupid spot (see above for clarification).  So our movie is winding down 95% of the people you started with are gone. This leaves you, the killer helper, a decoy and the killer. Now you have to use the ol’ noggin a bit and figure out what the twist will be. Are you the killer helper? No? Then that it one person off the suspect list. The next one we can remove is the killer cause obviously he hasn’t been too secretive about his hatred for all things breathing.  So we are left with the decoy and the killer helper. Both will be pleading for you to trust them but remember Rule #4 and stay leery.  Rule #7 Wait them out. Crazy/possession/hatred over something that happened thirty years ago can only stay hidden for so long. Eventually the psycho will be compelled to reveal their motive or hand in all of this. At which case you can help the decoy  escape so the killer can kill the helper (after all he/she is a breathing person therefore of no use to the killer) and just when you think the two of you have gotten away and the sirens are flooding the background the killer will pop up kill the decoy and you will have to square off. Hopefully you have come up with a big death for this masked foe otherwise your night is about to end.   

Best of luck to you and let’s all across our fingers there isn’t a part three. 


Jennifer said...

Great Post and your new blog design looks awesome!!!!!!!!!

Prudence MacLeod said...

Cool blog design and a great post. Good advice, all of it. Now, come with me for a minute, I've got something to show you...

Liz Schulte's Blog said...

Tricky, tricky! hahaha

Coleen Patrick said...

oh my you just made my heart drop when i scrolled down and saw Freddy. Ack. I Don't like monsters that can control your dreams.
I like--be smarter than a bowl full of jello!
Will try, but still I may shake like it :)

Anonymous said...

I loved this post! It made me imagine someone in a sequel giving this deep soliloquy about how they wish they hadn't ended up in this sequel. But of course the bad guy is sneaking up on them while they give their heartfelt speech. lol Have to go read part one now...

DMS said...

The blog looks amazing! Added your button to Fairday's Blog! It drives me cray when the victims hide in a panty or under the bed or someplace else that's really obvious and! ~ Jess

Shannon Esposito said...

Oh, hi, Liz! I just read your Secrets book last week...really enjoyed it & am curious to see where you're going with the impossible relationship :-) I'll do a review for you soon. Anyway, this post makes me want to pop some popcorn and watch a cheesy scary movie!

Karen McFarland said...

Oh Liz, I have to confess that I am a bit queasy when it comes to this subject. Too scary! Can you say Nightmare? Yikes! :)

James Garcia Jr said...

So Hilarious, Liz. My 13 year old heard me snickering and asked what was funny. I read your post to him. He plays Xbox all day, blowing up zombies or his military enemies. Little does he know how little those skills will help him should he find himself in a horror movie. Right?


Liz Schulte's Blog said...

They will definitely help him, but remind him cardio is important too. ;-)

Horror Movies said...

Everyone told me to pass on Speed because it was a 'bus movie.

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