How to Survive a Horror Movie Part 2

Back before Halloween I wrote a post about how to survive should you wake up one morning to find yourself in a horror movie. (Review here) By request I am following this post up with How to Survive a Sequel.

First step in survival is always figuring out what you are dealing with. So how does one identify they are in a horror movie sequel, well that is pretty simple. The first clue is if you just survived a horrific night of senseless slaughtering, you could be ready to start a sequel. If this is the case, you may right now be thanking your lucky stars because you are the main character, but that would be foolish. This is a sequel and the thing with sequels is they are trying to surprise the audience. So you are just as likely the first kill as you are the star. If you didn’t just survive the monster attack you can still be in the movie. Chances are you have heard of said attack or someone will very soon fill you in on it. Whatever the story they tell you is, that is the type of movie you are in. Also note that everyone is much more wooden in the speech and movements, horror movies aren’t the Godfather, the sequels will never even be debatable that  they are better than the originals.

All the rules from the first post still apply. (Be prepared, get a weapon, don’t be dumb, no crying, etc.). You have to assume the action will start right off the bat. There is no time wasted on silly back story or character development. Sequels are about carnage and cheap thrills. So you don’t have time to get your bearings, you just have to be ready.  Rule #1 Be a badass! You’ve learned something from the first movie and that is how to fight or survive. You aren’t a victim you are a touch cookie so don’t be afraid to be awesome.

The killer will be at least three times as hard to kill this time around and honestly he won’t die, I know this, you know this, but we like to think he is dead until part three. Rule #2- When you are thinking of ways to rid yourself of the killer go big or go home in a body bag.  

If at all possible avoid these things: sex, drugs, being unnecessarily mean, being alone, darkness, bathrooms, and strangers. But it doesn’t have to be current sin, it can be your past sins so basically everyone is screwed in this. Rule # 3 hang around the friends who are more sinful than you. Fictional mass murders are attracted to sinners like tornados to trailer parks, you will have time to get away while Jason/Freddy/Michael is getting creative.

Sequels in their quest to distinguish themselves from the original never just settle for more bloodshed and carnage, instead they also go for the twist. Start thinking ahead. Someone with you isn’t what they seem. They are working with the killer in some manner or another. Rule #4 Trust no one. Anyone who says come with me or offers to help out of the goodness of their heart is not to be trusted. I repeat do not trust them. Do not go with them, do not get into their car, head out the door or anything of the sort, just hide.  You may think the advice to hide is a fairly simple suggestion, but apparently it is not. After watching countless horror movies I can see I need to be clearer on this point. Rule #5 Be smarter than a bowl of jello.

Not acceptable hiding places:

Pantries (while yes there is food they never have reliable locks or escape routes)

Louvered closets (really, I mean really?)

Under the bed (They will see you even if they don’t hear your loud gasping crying)

Behind the couch (Are you a five year old playing hide and seek?)

In the car (Too many places for the killer to come through without your knowledge)

Rooms with no escape (They will get in and you will have no escape route. Failure to plan ahead = *Finger across throat*)

All of these hiding places will lead to on one end, you dead and someone else surviving the movie.  Avoid them, tattoo them on your arm if necessary, just don’t go in them. Think bigger. Hiding in large buildings such as schools is a much better plan. Lots of rooms, lots of windows, lots of places to hide, use this to your advantage.

Rule 6 Stay in the pack. Sure you can’t trust any of them, but the more people you keep around you the more people to distract the killer. Rarely can they kill everyone when they pop up so just be ready for that and run when they do then hide in a non-stupid spot (see above for clarification).  So our movie is winding down 95% of the people you started with are gone. This leaves you, the killer helper, a decoy and the killer. Now you have to use the ol’ noggin a bit and figure out what the twist will be. Are you the killer helper? No? Then that it one person off the suspect list. The next one we can remove is the killer cause obviously he hasn’t been too secretive about his hatred for all things breathing.  So we are left with the decoy and the killer helper. Both will be pleading for you to trust them but remember Rule #4 and stay leery.  Rule #7 Wait them out. Crazy/possession/hatred over something that happened thirty years ago can only stay hidden for so long. Eventually the psycho will be compelled to reveal their motive or hand in all of this. At which case you can help the decoy  escape so the killer can kill the helper (after all he/she is a breathing person therefore of no use to the killer) and just when you think the two of you have gotten away and the sirens are flooding the background the killer will pop up kill the decoy and you will have to square off. Hopefully you have come up with a big death for this masked foe otherwise your night is about to end.   

Best of luck to you and let’s all across our fingers there isn’t a part three. 

Rules to Survive a Horror Movie

If you wake up one morning in a secluded cabin (haunted hotel/house, the only living person for miles, camping near Crystal Lake, Haddonfield around Halloween, to discover you didn’t really wake up you are still in a dream, a town with lots of corn and no parents, to a creepy phone call wanting to know your favorite scary movie, etc.), you may be in horror movie.

Rule #1- Don’t panic. Well, maybe panic a little because there are scary things after you, but pull yourself together quick before you become an extra.  

It is important to keep your head about you, in more ways than one, and figure out what type of horror movie you are in.

-Is this a zombie movie? Have people been sick and dropping like flies? Are you the only person for miles? Are undead people trying to bite you?

-Is this a slasher film? Are all of your friends slightly more slutty and want to camp? Are you or they having nightmares? This one is important… do you have a babysitting job?

-Is this a vampire movie? Do you have a really hot neighbor that mostly comes out at night? If you answered yes to that why are you still reading this? Go talk to him. *waggles eyebrows* Unless that neighbor is about 17 and smells like teen spirit and angst, in that case you aren’t in a scary movie. Stop fretting you have a vegetarian vamp.

After you figure out what you are up against, you must start preparing. Rule #2- Always be prepared. Find a weapon. Even if you don’t see the psycho, carry it around with you and for goodness sakes do not sit it down somewhere!?! Always expect someone is around every corner, sneaking up behind you, hiding just out of sight.  

*important note* When you see said psychopath do not drop, throw, or do anything else that is stupid with your weapon.

Okay, so now you are armed and paranoid the next step is NOT escaping. That’s right, make no escape efforts. Do not be fooled by the friend who is pulling on your arm telling you to come this way. Freddy, Jason, and Michael have been doing this for a lot longer than you, and they know you are going to go outside. Rule 3- Stay mobile and stay hidden.   The best defense is a good offense. Running away is not an offense. You hide quietly (Rule 4- Absolutely no crying!) with your weapon that you haven’t dropped or thrown away, and you wait for an opportunity to either attack or move somewhere the killer isn’t.  Rule 5- Be aware of your surroundings. While you are hiding, if you don’t see the monster, it’s probably behind you, next to you, or waiting for you to do something dumb.  Rule 6- Don’t be dumb. Really this can be applied to all aspects of life (this goes double for the driver in front of me on my way to work this morning!)

Congratulations you have survived 2/3 of the movie, but now you are at the part where survival is going to get tricky. The movie is winding down there are only a couple people left, and you know at least one of the people the audience thought would survive is going to bite the dust. You might think this is the part where you hunker down and continue to hide, but no.  Rule 7- Be heroic. You haven’t been heroic so far and that’s good. The early heroes don’t live until the end. However, the people at the end of the movie who step up to fight the bad guy do, normally (70/30, really). What happens is one person decides to be a hero, and inspires the other to do the same then the killer ganks the other person and the original hero is left with the glory. Rule 8- Never assume the killer is dead. It doesn’t matter how dead you think it is, it will come back for one more scare. Evil always defies the odds so be ready for it (see rule 2).

Those are the rules to survive a horror movie, now just hope there isn’t a sequel.