Saturday, December 17, 2011

Holy Back Pain, Batman!

Two weeks ago I woke up with my back hurting. It hurt pretty bad, but I figured it would go away in a day or two. Now two weeks later and several chiropractor, doctor, and physical therapy visits later I am still nursing a twingy back. Everyone keeps asking, what did you do to it? And that seems like a fair question, but it is one I cannot answer. I went to bed fine and woke up with a pinched nerve. I have no idea how it happened. None, zip, zero, zilch, nada, nothing.
I was complaining about this to my physical therapist yesterday that I couldn't give people a proper excuse for my back pain which makes me feel like a hack. I mean I should know how I hurt myself when it has kicked my butt for two weeks. He told me the worst time he ever hurt his back was when he sneezed in the shower, so he sympathized with the not having a good story to relay to the concerned acquaintances. So he suggested I make up a good story. It sounds like a reasonable course of action so I am making up two so I can put it up for a vote. 

First- I was driving home Friday after a night thwarting zombie chaos and madness. When a group of walkers stumbled out in front of my car. I didn't run them over (as someone in the movies would do) because I am no dummy. I know that running over five zombies would 1. injure my car, 2. Not actually kill the zombies unless I was lucky, and 3. Be hell to clean off my car. So instead I slammed on my breaks just missing them and freezing their red, milky eyes in my head lights. I calmly and collectedly pulled my baseball bat from the car and went to take care of business (I have a world to save after all). The first three went down easy, but the last two were runners. They took off across the field in a mixture of bum legs and war cries as they gnashed their rotten teeth over their shoulders at me as I hunted them down. Well, I got the one with the bum leg first and took care of him, but the other one gained some distance on me. So I had to take off running and do a flying leap at the zombie, crashing into it and the ground. Immediately pain spiked through my back and all my muscles screamed in pain, but I gritted my teeth and took out the last zombie with repeated elbow blows to the skull. Then I crawled back to my car and went home to nurse my ailing back knowing I had just save the world for a few weeks longer. 

Second- It was a cold and blustery night, the sort where the wind chill makes every muscle in your body pull in on itself in an effort to stay warm. I was leaving a friend's house after a night of Jane Eyre and Zombie Zach children's book creating when this weirdly hot, stalkerish fellow steps out from behind my car. His piercing nearly black eyes seem to look right through to my soul as he watches me approach with a knowing smirk on his handsome face. 
"I've been waiting for you," he says all confidence and ego. 
I felt my cheeks warm despite the cold night, "I bet you have, but it's a no go. Emo is so last year."
"Wait, what? I'm not emo."
"Tight t-shirt. check. Morose attitude, check. Pointy teeth and hints of body glitter, check, check."
"I do not wear body glitter." His seemingly genuine abhorrence of body glitter gave me a moment's pause. Perhaps he wasn't an emo vampire after all. Maybe this one was different. 
"Are the teeth real?"
"Come find out."
"Tempting, but you might glitter me and it is hell to get out of fabric. I would find glitter in my sweater for the next year to come." 
"I don't wear body glitter. I'm just pale and the moon light makes my skin look like this." He stomped his foot flashing hints of fang my way.
"Whatever, Liberace."
"Damn Twilight," he grumbled as sulked off down the street. 
I began to feel bad I hurt his feelings and he might go cry himself to sleep in this coffin so I took off after him. "Wait, wait. I'm sorry. You may not have body glitter on."
"Too late." He waved me away, obviously not ready to forgive the implication he was anything other than a normal vampire who just wanted a tasty snack. 
I grabbed his arm, and he turned around black eyes glistening. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Buck up, champ."
His arm curled around my waist and his fangs lengthened. He moved in closer and I glanced at my hand I grabbed him with, sure enough glitter. I started to laugh hysterically lurching my back while he threw up his hands in disgust. "I get no respect." He stomped off as I continued to laugh, gasping for air and muscles straining in pain and cold. I hobbled back to my car, amused and glittery. 

15 comments:

C.G. Powell said...

Wow...I think your back hurts due to a lack of sex! But I have to admire your imagination.

L.J. Kentowski said...

LOL!!! Love it!

Khloë Kamalis said...

Look Robin...I just think you have your tights on backwards and in a wad! That's why you have a back ache. Plus stop hiding all that Red Velvet Cake in that Cape. Lord! That's enough to give anyone a backache!! Now...hobble back there and get that good lookin' vampire!! Love...Batwoman!!! <3

Stephanie Nelson said...

fantastic job, Liz! I can't choose between the two, they were both great! = )

Liz Schulte's Blog said...

I am honestly leaning towards the zombies. A bit more me. :-D

Lisa Rayns said...

Too funny! Omg, loved them both!

James Garcia Jr. said...

Too funny! I like the second version best.
Feel better, okay? When you hurt your back, everything is difficult.

-Jimmy

Fairday Morrow said...

LOL Liz! This is great- I one broke my ankle playing Nintendo- sitting cross-legged for a long time, lost my guy or something and stood up really fast- snap! I went down into the coffee table and had to be in a cast for 6 weeks. The doctor laughed when I told him what had happened and suggested that I come up with a better story- I concocted a whole skiing mishap saga to explain my broken ankle... not sure that everyone bought it though!
Great post, thanks for sharing! ~ Jess
http://thesecretdmsfilesoffairdaymorrow.blogspot.com/

nurofen said...

It's funny indeed. Maybe you should try hip exercise to alleviate some back pains. You can also take analgesics or Ibuprofen for faster relief.

4rx said...

I feel the same. I had so much fun reading the post. Anyway, I agree with the last comment that you may need analgesic to combat back pain.

tifany underson said...

I prefer a massage in chiropractor sydney rather take risk from medicine.


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Nurofen said...

This is very funny. You have a good and wild imagination. I wish I could come up with a better story when someone ask me too.

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Emran Ahammad said...

Thanks

Five Dock physiotherapist said...

Oh my god!!! It is a looking very danger picture. I have liked this content because you have posted about the holy. Actually. I wnated to know about the holy.

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