Christmas Clone

I don’t want a lot for Christmas

There is just one thing I need

I don’t have time to wrap the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree

I don’t have time to hang my stocking

There upon the fireplace

Cookies, pies and cake

I have managed to make

Along with list after list

That I send to Saint Nick

But he hasn’t finished a single task

And I’ve taken to the flask

Oh I’m not asking for much

Just some extra time in a crunch

And I’m just gonna keep on waiting

While my nerves are grating

What more can I do?

Sometimes it is like I live in a zoo.

I just want a clone of my own

More than you could ever know

My fingers are worked to the bone

Please just give me a clone

I don’t need a flying car

Or unlimited credit at the bar

If this Christmas I get a clone to call own

How to Survive a Horror Movie Part 2

Back before Halloween I wrote a post about how to survive should you wake up one morning to find yourself in a horror movie. (Review here) By request I am following this post up with How to Survive a Sequel.

First step in survival is always figuring out what you are dealing with. So how does one identify they are in a horror movie sequel, well that is pretty simple. The first clue is if you just survived a horrific night of senseless slaughtering, you could be ready to start a sequel. If this is the case, you may right now be thanking your lucky stars because you are the main character, but that would be foolish. This is a sequel and the thing with sequels is they are trying to surprise the audience. So you are just as likely the first kill as you are the star. If you didn’t just survive the monster attack you can still be in the movie. Chances are you have heard of said attack or someone will very soon fill you in on it. Whatever the story they tell you is, that is the type of movie you are in. Also note that everyone is much more wooden in the speech and movements, horror movies aren’t the Godfather, the sequels will never even be debatable that  they are better than the originals.

All the rules from the first post still apply. (Be prepared, get a weapon, don’t be dumb, no crying, etc.). You have to assume the action will start right off the bat. There is no time wasted on silly back story or character development. Sequels are about carnage and cheap thrills. So you don’t have time to get your bearings, you just have to be ready.  Rule #1 Be a badass! You’ve learned something from the first movie and that is how to fight or survive. You aren’t a victim you are a touch cookie so don’t be afraid to be awesome.

The killer will be at least three times as hard to kill this time around and honestly he won’t die, I know this, you know this, but we like to think he is dead until part three. Rule #2- When you are thinking of ways to rid yourself of the killer go big or go home in a body bag.  

If at all possible avoid these things: sex, drugs, being unnecessarily mean, being alone, darkness, bathrooms, and strangers. But it doesn’t have to be current sin, it can be your past sins so basically everyone is screwed in this. Rule # 3 hang around the friends who are more sinful than you. Fictional mass murders are attracted to sinners like tornados to trailer parks, you will have time to get away while Jason/Freddy/Michael is getting creative.

Sequels in their quest to distinguish themselves from the original never just settle for more bloodshed and carnage, instead they also go for the twist. Start thinking ahead. Someone with you isn’t what they seem. They are working with the killer in some manner or another. Rule #4 Trust no one. Anyone who says come with me or offers to help out of the goodness of their heart is not to be trusted. I repeat do not trust them. Do not go with them, do not get into their car, head out the door or anything of the sort, just hide.  You may think the advice to hide is a fairly simple suggestion, but apparently it is not. After watching countless horror movies I can see I need to be clearer on this point. Rule #5 Be smarter than a bowl of jello.

Not acceptable hiding places:

Pantries (while yes there is food they never have reliable locks or escape routes)

Louvered closets (really, I mean really?)

Under the bed (They will see you even if they don’t hear your loud gasping crying)

Behind the couch (Are you a five year old playing hide and seek?)

In the car (Too many places for the killer to come through without your knowledge)

Rooms with no escape (They will get in and you will have no escape route. Failure to plan ahead = *Finger across throat*)

All of these hiding places will lead to on one end, you dead and someone else surviving the movie.  Avoid them, tattoo them on your arm if necessary, just don’t go in them. Think bigger. Hiding in large buildings such as schools is a much better plan. Lots of rooms, lots of windows, lots of places to hide, use this to your advantage.

Rule 6 Stay in the pack. Sure you can’t trust any of them, but the more people you keep around you the more people to distract the killer. Rarely can they kill everyone when they pop up so just be ready for that and run when they do then hide in a non-stupid spot (see above for clarification).  So our movie is winding down 95% of the people you started with are gone. This leaves you, the killer helper, a decoy and the killer. Now you have to use the ol’ noggin a bit and figure out what the twist will be. Are you the killer helper? No? Then that it one person off the suspect list. The next one we can remove is the killer cause obviously he hasn’t been too secretive about his hatred for all things breathing.  So we are left with the decoy and the killer helper. Both will be pleading for you to trust them but remember Rule #4 and stay leery.  Rule #7 Wait them out. Crazy/possession/hatred over something that happened thirty years ago can only stay hidden for so long. Eventually the psycho will be compelled to reveal their motive or hand in all of this. At which case you can help the decoy  escape so the killer can kill the helper (after all he/she is a breathing person therefore of no use to the killer) and just when you think the two of you have gotten away and the sirens are flooding the background the killer will pop up kill the decoy and you will have to square off. Hopefully you have come up with a big death for this masked foe otherwise your night is about to end.   

Best of luck to you and let’s all across our fingers there isn’t a part three. 

Little Bunny Foo Foo: A Cautionary Tale

We’ve all heard the song, possibly even sang along. There is a GIT (Goon in Training) rabbit named Foo Foo who unduly harasses the populations of field mice. He is given more than his fair share of chances, but insists on being a thug.

Little Bunny Foo Foo

Hopping through the forest

Scoopin' up the field mice

Bop 'em on the head!

Then the Good Fairy came and said:

'Little Bunny Foo Foo

I don't wanna see you

Scoopin' up the field mice

Bop 'em on the head!

I'll give you 3 chances,

And if you don't behave, I will turn you into a goon!"

But what happened after Foo Squared was turned into a goon? Well that is hard to say, the goon network is a close knit group, but I like to think it went something like this.

Foo Squared started in bottom of the goon ranks and worked his fluffy tale off to move up the chain of command. He made a friendship with Bunny Corleone who would end up in charge of his own goon family and in one grand coup eliminate the other four heads of the goon syndicate. However, Foo Squared would never live to see Bunny’s rise to fame. One day after terrorizing field mice he was asked to go undercover into Roger Rabbits’ family. Foo Squared had the reputation for being the meanest and toughest of all goons. But one day Bunny Corleone received a fish wrapped in newspaper and he knew. Foo Squared now sleeps with the fishes.

So let that be a lesson to you. Goon today, gone tomorrow.

Popsicles

Good morning! I have a wonderful guest today, the hilarious Myndi Shafer. Check out her blog here 

Popsicles. I love 'em. For so many reasons. So sit your butt down while I wax poetic about the virtues of the rainbow colored family of frozen treats.

  #1: They're dangerous. You don't think so? Listen to this: They're cold. So cold, that if you eat them too quickly, you run the risk of freezing your brain plumb off. PLUMB OFF, people. I swear I've had this nearly happen to me multiple times, and while in the moment it's terrifying, after it's over...whew! What a rush. The danger factor is definitely a perk, especially or those of us who wish we were into extreme sports, but aren't. I never feel quite as dangerous as I do when there's a popsicle in my hand.

#2: Adding to the danger factor is this little fact: They melt. You have to eat them quickly (running the risk of destroying brain matter), and if you don't, they melt. All over your hands, your clothes. Leaving you sticky and stained. You walk a fine line while eating popsicles. Too fast, dead brain. Too slow, permanently stained garments. Sure, your hands will wash, but facts are facts: Red Cherry and Blueberry flavored popsicles stain forever. Some people think that souls are the only thing that are eternal. I say souls, and popsicle stains.

#3: Danger isn't the only thing that makes popsicles so attractive.They're sweet, but not in a heavy, ice-creamy way. Don't get me wrong. I love ice-cream. I do. But sometimes you just don't want a creamy,

sugary concoction resting in your gut. Sometimes you want an artificially flavored, high-fructose corn-syrup sweetened watery-frozen concoction instead. *raises hand and jumps up and down a little* I do! I do!

#4: The thing that sets popsicles aside from the standard ice-cream cone is this: The jokes. The popsicle takes the cake for this fact alone. Because the popsicle is a giver. It doesn't simply satisfy our child-like pallets, or our need to live dangerously. No, the popsicle wants to invest in our minds by asking us questions. Questions we have to wait to get the answers to until our tasty treat is gone. Questions that not only make us think, but make us laugh. Oh, dearest reader. This is the sign of a true friend.

Take a couple of these gems, straight from the sticks that I collected today (there is a small chance this post was brought on by a four-month old fetus demanding popsicles, and the sticks might be the evidence) as examples:

Why did the baseball fan give the house a pair of sneakers?

Because he wanted to see a home run. *ba-dum-bum*

What do you call a pony that surfs?

A seahorse. *giggle, snort*

What did Mr. and Mrs. Steak name their son?

Chuck. *snicker*

And so, my friendlies, let us all revel in the wonder that is the popsicle. I wish you all happy weekends with dye-stained tongues, non-frozen brains, and new jokes to share with your friends.