Thursday, October 20, 2011

Rules to Survive a Horror Movie

If you wake up one morning in a secluded cabin (haunted hotel/house, the only living person for miles, camping near Crystal Lake, Haddonfield around Halloween, to discover you didn’t really wake up you are still in a dream, a town with lots of corn and no parents, to a creepy phone call wanting to know your favorite scary movie, etc.), you may be in horror movie.
Rule #1- Don’t panic. Well, maybe panic a little because there are scary things after you, but pull yourself together quick before you become an extra.  

It is important to keep your head about you, in more ways than one, and figure out what type of horror movie you are in.
-Is this a zombie movie? Have people been sick and dropping like flies? Are you the only person for miles? Are undead people trying to bite you?
-Is this a slasher film? Are all of your friends slightly more slutty and want to camp? Are you or they having nightmares? This one is important… do you have a babysitting job?
-Is this a vampire movie? Do you have a really hot neighbor that mostly comes out at night? If you answered yes to that why are you still reading this? Go talk to him. *waggles eyebrows* Unless that neighbor is about 17 and smells like teen spirit and angst, in that case you aren’t in a scary movie. Stop fretting you have a vegetarian vamp.
After you figure out what you are up against, you must start preparing. Rule #2- Always be prepared. Find a weapon. Even if you don’t see the psycho, carry it around with you and for goodness sakes do not sit it down somewhere!?! Always expect someone is around every corner, sneaking up behind you, hiding just out of sight.  
*important note* When you see said psychopath do not drop, throw, or do anything else that is stupid with your weapon.
Okay, so now you are armed and paranoid the next step is NOT escaping. That’s right, make no escape efforts. Do not be fooled by the friend who is pulling on your arm telling you to come this way. Freddy, Jason, and Michael have been doing this for a lot longer than you, and they know you are going to go outside. Rule 3- Stay mobile and stay hidden.   The best defense is a good offense. Running away is not an offense. You hide quietly (Rule 4- Absolutely no crying!) with your weapon that you haven’t dropped or thrown away, and you wait for an opportunity to either attack or move somewhere the killer isn’t.  Rule 5- Be aware of your surroundings. While you are hiding, if you don’t see the monster, it’s probably behind you, next to you, or waiting for you to do something dumb.  Rule 6- Don’t be dumb. Really this can be applied to all aspects of life (this goes double for the driver in front of me on my way to work this morning!)
Congratulations you have survived 2/3 of the movie, but now you are at the part where survival is going to get tricky. The movie is winding down there are only a couple people left, and you know at least one of the people the audience thought would survive is going to bite the dust. You might think this is the part where you hunker down and continue to hide, but no.  Rule 7- Be heroic. You haven’t been heroic so far and that’s good. The early heroes don’t live until the end. However, the people at the end of the movie who step up to fight the bad guy do, normally (70/30, really). What happens is one person decides to be a hero, and inspires the other to do the same then the killer ganks the other person and the original hero is left with the glory. Rule 8- Never assume the killer is dead. It doesn’t matter how dead you think it is, it will come back for one more scare. Evil always defies the odds so be ready for it (see rule 2).
Those are the rules to survive a horror movie, now just hope there isn’t a sequel.


L.J. Kentowski said...

I have to admit, I'm not sure I'd mind being in a horror movie with Colin Farrell as the vamp. I even liked Chris Sarandon back in the day! Great post!

Liz Schulte's Blog said...

@L.J-I loved both Fright Nights. But if Colin Farrell is the vampire next door, I might as well give up now. *swoon*

Anonymous said...

Funny! I don't watch much in the way of scary movies...because they tend to give me nightmares. But you're very correct about what to do/not do. The only other thing I'd add to the list is this: if the lights go out, STAY OUT OF THE BASEMENT! Never go looking for the fuse/ breaker box when the lights go out in a scary movie! :)

Liz Schulte's Blog said...

Absolutely, not investigating the electricity, noise, open (previously shut) door is asking for trouble. This is the horror movie rule that would probably get me. I am a notorious noise investigator.

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