#Halloween

Halloween is so close I can taste it...literally, I have candy wrappers all around me. So Halloween better hurry up before I become diabetic.

I can't wait to watch Halloween (78), dress up, and pass out...Halloween candy (there is no passing out for me, I have to work the next day. *shakes fist at growing old).

Now the question is, what to be for Halloween?

I could be inspired by the Strangers and go for something like this,

Or I could go with something more children friendly,

Or perhaps embraced my aging self,

Or channel my inner Saw,

Or I could scary everyone's pants off,

Which would you choose?

Popsicles

Good morning! I have a wonderful guest today, the hilarious Myndi Shafer. Check out her blog here 

Popsicles. I love 'em. For so many reasons. So sit your butt down while I wax poetic about the virtues of the rainbow colored family of frozen treats.

  #1: They're dangerous. You don't think so? Listen to this: They're cold. So cold, that if you eat them too quickly, you run the risk of freezing your brain plumb off. PLUMB OFF, people. I swear I've had this nearly happen to me multiple times, and while in the moment it's terrifying, after it's over...whew! What a rush. The danger factor is definitely a perk, especially or those of us who wish we were into extreme sports, but aren't. I never feel quite as dangerous as I do when there's a popsicle in my hand.

#2: Adding to the danger factor is this little fact: They melt. You have to eat them quickly (running the risk of destroying brain matter), and if you don't, they melt. All over your hands, your clothes. Leaving you sticky and stained. You walk a fine line while eating popsicles. Too fast, dead brain. Too slow, permanently stained garments. Sure, your hands will wash, but facts are facts: Red Cherry and Blueberry flavored popsicles stain forever. Some people think that souls are the only thing that are eternal. I say souls, and popsicle stains.

#3: Danger isn't the only thing that makes popsicles so attractive.They're sweet, but not in a heavy, ice-creamy way. Don't get me wrong. I love ice-cream. I do. But sometimes you just don't want a creamy,

sugary concoction resting in your gut. Sometimes you want an artificially flavored, high-fructose corn-syrup sweetened watery-frozen concoction instead. *raises hand and jumps up and down a little* I do! I do!

#4: The thing that sets popsicles aside from the standard ice-cream cone is this: The jokes. The popsicle takes the cake for this fact alone. Because the popsicle is a giver. It doesn't simply satisfy our child-like pallets, or our need to live dangerously. No, the popsicle wants to invest in our minds by asking us questions. Questions we have to wait to get the answers to until our tasty treat is gone. Questions that not only make us think, but make us laugh. Oh, dearest reader. This is the sign of a true friend.

Take a couple of these gems, straight from the sticks that I collected today (there is a small chance this post was brought on by a four-month old fetus demanding popsicles, and the sticks might be the evidence) as examples:

Why did the baseball fan give the house a pair of sneakers?

Because he wanted to see a home run. *ba-dum-bum*

What do you call a pony that surfs?

A seahorse. *giggle, snort*

What did Mr. and Mrs. Steak name their son?

Chuck. *snicker*

And so, my friendlies, let us all revel in the wonder that is the popsicle. I wish you all happy weekends with dye-stained tongues, non-frozen brains, and new jokes to share with your friends.

Rules to Survive a Horror Movie

If you wake up one morning in a secluded cabin (haunted hotel/house, the only living person for miles, camping near Crystal Lake, Haddonfield around Halloween, to discover you didn’t really wake up you are still in a dream, a town with lots of corn and no parents, to a creepy phone call wanting to know your favorite scary movie, etc.), you may be in horror movie.

Rule #1- Don’t panic. Well, maybe panic a little because there are scary things after you, but pull yourself together quick before you become an extra.  

It is important to keep your head about you, in more ways than one, and figure out what type of horror movie you are in.

-Is this a zombie movie? Have people been sick and dropping like flies? Are you the only person for miles? Are undead people trying to bite you?

-Is this a slasher film? Are all of your friends slightly more slutty and want to camp? Are you or they having nightmares? This one is important… do you have a babysitting job?

-Is this a vampire movie? Do you have a really hot neighbor that mostly comes out at night? If you answered yes to that why are you still reading this? Go talk to him. *waggles eyebrows* Unless that neighbor is about 17 and smells like teen spirit and angst, in that case you aren’t in a scary movie. Stop fretting you have a vegetarian vamp.

After you figure out what you are up against, you must start preparing. Rule #2- Always be prepared. Find a weapon. Even if you don’t see the psycho, carry it around with you and for goodness sakes do not sit it down somewhere!?! Always expect someone is around every corner, sneaking up behind you, hiding just out of sight.  

*important note* When you see said psychopath do not drop, throw, or do anything else that is stupid with your weapon.

Okay, so now you are armed and paranoid the next step is NOT escaping. That’s right, make no escape efforts. Do not be fooled by the friend who is pulling on your arm telling you to come this way. Freddy, Jason, and Michael have been doing this for a lot longer than you, and they know you are going to go outside. Rule 3- Stay mobile and stay hidden.   The best defense is a good offense. Running away is not an offense. You hide quietly (Rule 4- Absolutely no crying!) with your weapon that you haven’t dropped or thrown away, and you wait for an opportunity to either attack or move somewhere the killer isn’t.  Rule 5- Be aware of your surroundings. While you are hiding, if you don’t see the monster, it’s probably behind you, next to you, or waiting for you to do something dumb.  Rule 6- Don’t be dumb. Really this can be applied to all aspects of life (this goes double for the driver in front of me on my way to work this morning!)

Congratulations you have survived 2/3 of the movie, but now you are at the part where survival is going to get tricky. The movie is winding down there are only a couple people left, and you know at least one of the people the audience thought would survive is going to bite the dust. You might think this is the part where you hunker down and continue to hide, but no.  Rule 7- Be heroic. You haven’t been heroic so far and that’s good. The early heroes don’t live until the end. However, the people at the end of the movie who step up to fight the bad guy do, normally (70/30, really). What happens is one person decides to be a hero, and inspires the other to do the same then the killer ganks the other person and the original hero is left with the glory. Rule 8- Never assume the killer is dead. It doesn’t matter how dead you think it is, it will come back for one more scare. Evil always defies the odds so be ready for it (see rule 2).

Those are the rules to survive a horror movie, now just hope there isn’t a sequel.

Guardian Trilogy

I have a fun surprise today. Brand new covers for the Guardian Trilogy.

Book 1: Secrets

Release date- November 22, 2011

While Olivia Martin observed life through her camera, the abyss gazed back at her. She discovers mysterious men follow her around, people close to her are dying, and her dreams are no longer her own as she falls head over heels for a perfect stranger. A chance encounter leads to an obsession that could destroy everything she has ever known or loved. Olivia is about to find out there is a lot she doesn't know and sometimes what you don't know can kill you.

Book 2- Choices

Release Date- February 2012

Book 3- Consequences

Release Date- May 2012

Why we carve Jack-o'-lanterns

There is a long tradition of carving lanterns from vegetables throughout
 Ireland and Britain, but immigrants to North America used the native pumpkin.
Turnips were carved into lanterns in Ireland as a way of remembering
the souls in purgatory. They were left on the doorsteps on All’s Hallows Eve along with a
treat of some sort to ward off evil spirits.

They became known as Jack-o’-lanterns based on the legend of an Irishman
 named Stingy Jack. Apparently, Jack tricked the devil (the manner in which he tricked him varies,
 sometimes Jack has the devil hanging from an apple tree in others he is a thief)
and made a bargain with him that he would never take his soul. 

As time moved on ol’ Jack died, as all living things do, but he was too sinful to go to Heaven.
The devil however upheld his end of the deal and didn’t claim Jack either.
So Jack was left to wander the earth.

Jack had no where to go and no light to guide him. The devil gave him an ember from hell
 that would burn eternally and Jack placed it in a hallowed out turnip
and endless wonders the earth looking for a place to rest.

Weekend Reading: Big Dragons Don't Cry

 Good morning! The wonderful C.M. Barrett has stopped by today to share an excerpt from her book, Big Dragons Don't Cry. Enjoy!

Blurb:
Morale in the country of Oasis has never been worse. The Earthers, a tree-hugging sect, beg forgiveness for their crimes against twigs and weeds. The Godlies preach penitence and suffering and inspire their followers into submission by threatening them with an afterlife spent being chased by a fire-breathing dragon.

All Oasans fear the dragon in the swamp at the country's edge, and they don't know that he fears them. Druid, a water dragon who puts out fires, steams up when he learns that a cunning opportunist intends to exploit dragonphobia and have the dragon killed so that he can level the swamp for suburban housing.

Tara, a kitten with charisma, is trying to bring humans back into balance. She needs to enlist Serazina, a young human woman who hides her ability to read emotions in order to avoid imprisonment in the Ward for the Chronically Crazy. Serazina's troubles grow when Phileas, Guardian of Oasis, chooses her to be the mother of the heir he so badly needs. Before he can consider fatherhood, he needs to stem the mysterious rumors that he's soft on dragons.

Somehow these four must overcome communication difficulties, mutual mistrust, and delusions of human superiority to save the country. Otherwise, even though Druid doesn't breathe fire, Oasis will be toast.


From the Book:

Orion stood on a ridge overlooking the city. As he swayed, exhausted and hungry, the threads of its winding, dirty streets seemed to tighten around his neck in a noose that limited both breath and freedom.

His sister, Sekhmet, nuzzled him with her black nose. “Lost in thought?”

“Wishing you’d waited a year or so to haul me away from the good life.”

“We thought we’d better get on the road before you wore out your equipment, Mr. Tomcat Stud.”

Orion’s other sister, Bast, trotted toward them, her white fur gleaming in starlight. “We’ve come to the right place. The pull is strong.”

“Praise the Many-Taloned One,” Sekhmet said. “My paws are killing me.”

The lights of the city flickered in eye-burning imitation of the starry sky. “It’s not going to be easy,” Orion said. “The smell alone makes me gag. It’s not just the physical stench, but also the foul odor of self-righteousness and fear. And some of the fear is mine. I’ve never failed before.”

Sekhmet raised her ears. “It’s hard to fail when you mount a willing cat. I’m glad you realize you’re facing a far bigger challenge. It gives me hope that you’ve become something more than a swaggering young tom. She of the Rough Tongue is molding you into the cat you were always meant to be.”

“I don’t know about Her rough tongue, but I’ve never doubted yours.”

Bast growled softly. “Enough. Orion, you have to guide us now.”

Panic bristled his fur. “I don’t know; I can’t feel anything.”

Bast scraped her claws against a stone. “Then ask to feel. Have you forgotten you were chosen for more than shining fur and golden eyes?”

“And equipment,” Sekhmet said.

He turned his back on them and washed himself briskly to hide his shame. How could he forget the first lesson all kittens learned? When you got lost, She would always nudge you home.

Orion closed his eyes, and the rasp of Her tongue shivered through him, massaging away the tension that had tightened his limbs, clearing away the resistance and fear that had hidden his path, and even temporarily blurring the memory of well-fed, sleek females.

One final moment of doubt kept him in place. “Are humans worth our sacrifice?”

“Not yet, they aren’t,” Bast said, “but we’re weaving a dream.”

Orion loped down the hill, praying that the gathering strands wouldn’t knot into a noose.

LINKS!
Amazon URL for Dance with Clouds  $2.99
Amazon URL for Big Dragons Don't Cry: $.99
Author Web Site:

What Movies Teach Us About Genetically Engineered Fish

My coworker told me this morning about a new genetically engineered salmon that was just approved for American consumption. My immediate response at just hearing the words "genetically engineered salmon" was “Sounds like we’re asking for a Resident Evil type situation.”

Coworker shook his head and continued to inform me about these fish. I don’t hold it against him he is not the pop-culture junky I am, and perhaps, Resident Evil shouldn’t be brought up in a serious conversation about genetically engineered fish—who am I kidding, of course Resident Evil should be brought up. Have movies taught us nothing!?! 

This is what they say about these Frankenfish:

-          It is not materially different than regular salmon. (that’s what they always say and the next scene…zombies.)

-          They have a ravenous appetite. (You know what else has a ravenous appetite… yep zombies)

-          They are born sterile (How many movies have the theme nature always find a way…mmm the ones that usually end with zombies)

-          They continue to grow their entire life span (Giant zombies)

-          They could alter the balance of our whole ecosystem if accidentally introduced into the wild. (Really?!?! Zombies)

Let me play this out for you.

Joe Friday is enjoying his tasty salmon lunch. Heads back to the office feeling full and satisfied. WHAM! Hit by a truck.  Genetically engineered DNA kicks into over drive, bringing one very dead Joe Friday back to life.

Truck driver gets out of the truck, “Oh no, oh no, someone call an ambulance.” Truck driver runs over to Joe Friday to help him out even though he is a mangled mess.

Lady on the sidewalk stops to call 911, being an upstanding citizen. Truck driver hasn’t seen movies and doesn’t know about Frankenfish, leans over Joe Friday. Joe Friday’s milky eyes pop open and he takes a chunk from truck driver’s neck because he smelled so delicious and Joe Friday is ravenous. Lady on the sidewalk screams drawing attention to herself. Victim number 2.

Thus the start of 99.9% of zombie movies, give or take a few details.