I am a Scorpio. I enjoy long walks on the beach, drinking copious amounts of alcohol, and men in hockey masks. In my spare time I work to foil the plans of my arch nemesis, utilize my eight finger discount, and lecture from my soapbox about social injustices. I do not tolerate fools or like people who make Walmart plural.
I judge people who are missing more teeth than they have, unless they are old. I would like to someday be the scary old woman in the neighborhood that all the children are afraid of, however I will be misunderstood and actually a sweet old lady turned bitter by the disappointments of this cruel, cruel life.
I will have made my vast wealth telling fortunes under the alias the Mad Madame Mim and selling t-shirts in tourist destinations that say “Life isn’t always flowers and sausages”.
This is a true and faithful retelling of the tragic –as most love stories are– tale of Jane Austen and Zombie Matt Nathanson and their affection for one another which transcended all.
Zombie Matt Nathanson was a fun sort of zombie. He, like any other zombie, liked to drink with his fellow undead pals,
eat at the Cheesecake factory,
toss out the occasional “Your mom” joke,
and travel the world. Zombie Matt Nathanson always said “Uhhhh ugh uggggggggghhhhhhh,” by which most experts probably would agree he meant death was no reason not to see the world.
It was during one of these zombie-cations that he met the girl who would prove to be the love of his death. He watched her from afar, hoping one day to make her acquaintance.
Their first meeting did not go as planned; she stabbed him with her writing quill which she was never without. When she realized her blunder that he wanted to meet her not eat her brains she introduced herself as Jane Austen. Their conversation went something like this.
ZMN: Uhhhhhh mmmm ugghhh
Jane Austen: Back off you vile, flea infested, mouth breather.
Jane Austen: Oh dear. *stab, stab*
ZMN: Ugh Ugh Uhhhh
Jane Austen: Hmm, perhaps I judged you too soon. You seem to be rather a genteel sort of undead creature. My name is Jane.
ZMN: Uuuhhhhhh gahhhh
The connection was immediate. Their mutual like turned into affection, and they attended a country dance with one another.
Before too long they became more than just friends. They were suspected by all of those of their mutual acquaintance as having an understanding for they were seen holding hands. Oh the scandal!
Zombie Matt Nathanson told Jane they could never marry for he was undead and she was living. Jane was heartbroken and tried to run away with little Stewie, but ZMN stopped her.
Jane thought he stopped her for love… but she was wrong, dead wrong. He was hungry.
Which leads to the moral of this tale always eat three proper meals a day for you may end up cannibalizing the one you love.